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Work jokes

Paedophiles work in small rings...
I got sacked from work today.Turns out, Dress Down Day was not what I thought it would be.
A friend at work was telling me that casual or accidental/implied racism is the worst kind - and he should know, being a nigger himself.
Why is Christmas like a day at work?Because you do all the work and some fat bastard in a suit gets all the credit!
Why are aspirins white? Because they work.
There is an apartment with three families in it. A black family lives at the top, a white family lives in the middle and a mexican family lives at the bottom. A tornado hit the apartment, which family survived? The white family: they were all at work.
I have just been interviewing people for a post at my work.The first guy was fresh from university and very eager.The second guy had a degree and five years experience.The woman had two degrees and twelve years experience.Of course I employed the woman, as I only have to pay her half as much.
What"s black and doesn"t work?Half of London.
A Scouser inadvertently goes into a gay bar for a beer. He sits at the bar supping his pint when one gay gentleman decides to chance his luck. He approaches the scouser and whispers something into his ear, whereupon the Liverpudlian turns around in complete disgust and horror and proceeds to punch the living fuck out of the homosexual, fist after fist punching him out the door, kicking him across the pub car park, relentlessly punching and kicking until the victim lay comatose. The Scouser then dusted himself down and calmly returned to his pint at the bar, whilst the horrified staff and clientele stood silent and motionless.Eventually, the barman plucks up the courage to ask what had happened:Barman: "Bloody hell mate. What on earth did he whisper to you?"Scouser: "Dunno, something about a "job"."
My boss is black and this week he called me into his office and accused me of being racist.I told him I don"t like his tone.
I thought I"d try modern art because it seems pretty easy, so I found a used tampon and wiped it all over my desk at work.I called it the Periodic Table.
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?Here"s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:If:A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.Then:H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%AndK-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%But,A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%And,B-U-L-L -S-H-I-T2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.A-S-S-K-I-S-S -I-N-G1+19+19+11+9+19+19+ 9+14+7 = 118%So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there,It"s the Bullshit and Ass Kissing That will put you over the top.
I actually used to believe my Grandad when he would tell me that the "palms of black mens hands are white because the colour rubs off when they climb trees and they"re so good at it that they"ve come here to work on building sites"Goes to show how gullible children are! I mean, a black man, working?!?
A work colleague came back from holiday and asked me what I thought of her tan. My response, "You look like a Paki," probably wasn"t the best thing to say. Sorry Padmina.