Woods jokes

• Why did the Prophet Mohammed marry a six-year-old?Because he was a paedophile.
• Paedophiles are fucking immature arseholes.
• Just saw in the news today a Catholic priest has been sentenced to jail for sexually abusing children.In other news CNN has obtained footage of a bear shitting in the woods.
• If a tree falls in the woods, and kills a Paki, does anyone care?
• A paedophile and a small child are walking through the woods. It"s a foul night; lightning spearing the sky and thunder is crashing.The child looks up at the paedo and says "I"m scared". The paedophile says,"What the fuck are you moaning for? I"ve got to walk back on my own!"
• One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, "What is that?""They"re smart pills," said the other boy. "Eat them and they"ll make you smarter."So he ate them and said, "these taste like shit.""See," said the other boy, "you"re getting smarter already."
• A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I"m not a virgin."The husband replies, "That"s no big thing in this day and age."The wife continues, "Yeah, I"ve been with one guy.""Oh yeah? Who was the guy?""Tiger Woods.""Tiger Woods, the golfer?""Yeah.""Well, he"s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."The husband and wife then make passionate love.When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone."What are you doing?" asks the wife.The husband says, "I"m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.""Tiger wouldn"t do that.""Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?""He"d come back to bed and do it a second time."The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.The husband says, "I"m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.""Tiger wouldn"t do that.""Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?""He"d come back to bed and do it again."The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.When they finish he"s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?""No! I"m calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
• Colin and Johnny McRae, together with a couple of sleeping bags and a tent are about to leave their house.Colin shouts up to his wife whose still in bed"Don"t wait up for us, we"re gonna crash in the woods tonight!"
• A bear wakes up and, like all animals do when they wake up, he goes behind a bush to take a shit.While he"s back there, he spots a rabbit nearby doing the same thing. It"s a little quiet, so he decides to strike up a conversation."Hey," the bear says, "you ever have problems with shit sticking to your fur?""Nope," replies the rabbit.So the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his ass with it.
• A man and a woman are making love in some very dark woods. The man says, "I wish I had a torch." The woman replies, "so do I - you"ve been licking the grass for the last 10 minutes."
• Two American women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place. Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the stream. Deciding the bridge safe, the two women proceed to cross. Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other, "I"ve always wanted to be like the guys, and urinate off a bridge." The other woman looks around and says, "Well, I don"t see anyone around, now"s your chance!" The first woman drops her hiking shorts and backs over to the side of the bridge. As she begins to urinate, she looks over her shoulder. "Holy shit!" she exclaims, "I just pissed in a canoe!" Alarmed, the second woman hurries over, and peeks at the stream. "Calm down," she says. "That wasn"t a canoe you pissed in you soft cow, it was your reflection."