Wine jokes

• I like my women how I like my wine.Thin, white, and about eight years old.
• Austrian Women are like good wine....left to mature in a cellar.
• If salt is kept in salt cellars, and wine kept in wine cellars, where are knives kept?Monica Seles
• Women are like wine: I can only afford the really cheap ones that have the big, ugly boxes that leak.
• I like my woman like my wine... about ten-years-old and uncorked.
• A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "this is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants." After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.It read:"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my garages, beautiful homes in California, Aspen, Colorado and Miami. There are over twenty million dollars in my checking account.. BUT not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off. Send the bottle back!"
• Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For her birthday, I"m going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way, if she doesn"t like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring." As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife"s birthday, I"m going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way, if she doesn"t like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet." As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I"m going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn"t like the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!"
• An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest"s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?""Just water," says the priest.The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He"s done it again!"
• ........20 Signs You’re Getting Old.........20. Your houseplants are alive, and you can"t smoke any of them.19. Having sex in a single bed is out of the question.18. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.17. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.16. You hear your favourite song in a lift.15. Jeans and a t-shirt no longer qualify as "dressed up."14. You"re the one calling the police because those annoying kids next door won"t turn down the stereo.13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.12. You feed your dog tinned dog food instead of last nights takeaway leftovers.11. Sleeping on the settee makes your back hurt.10. You take naps.9. Pictures then dinner is the whole night instead of the beginning of one.8. Eating a curry at 2:00 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.7. You go to the chemist"s for ibuprofen and Gaviscon, not condoms and pregnancy tests.6. A £2.99 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."5. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.4. "I just can"t drink the way I used to" replaces "I"m never going to drink that much again."3. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.2. When you find out your friend"s missus is pregnant you congratulate him instead of asking "Oh fuck, what happened?"And the number one sign you are getting old is:1. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn"t apply to you and can"t find one.
• A tramp finds a five pound note in the street. He decides to go to the off-licence and buy a bottle of white wine. After duly knocking back the plonk the tramp falls into a drunken torpor and collapses in a small alleyway. About ten minutes later a passing homosexual happens upon the sprawled body of the tramp. Not having greased the pole for a while the shirt-lifter whips down the tramps keks and gives him one up the old Gary Glitter. As the rear-gunner is just about to leave he gets a pang of conscience and tucks a five pound note into the tramp"s hand. Upon waking up the next day the tramp discovers the fiver. Hardly believing his good fortune he rushes back to the off-licence and purchases another bottle of white wine. Yet again he downs the vino and falls into a drunken sleep in his favourite alleyway. A little later the same chutney ferret passes the alleyway and sees the tramp. Unable to contain himself, the uphill gardener divests the tramp of his jockeys and gives him another hoop stretching. Again he leaves five pounds out of guilt for his actions. Upon waking up the tramp discovers another fiver in his hand and so hastens back to the off-licence. He grabs a bottle of red wine and hands it to the sales assistant for wrapping. The sales assistant, by now familiar with the tramp"s usual habits, asks why he is buying red wine this time to which the tramp responds, "I quite like the white wine but it doesn"t half make my fucking arse sore".
• A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You"re just like Frank."Passenger: "Who?"Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. There"s a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time."Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?"Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody"s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."Passenger. "Wow, some guy, ehh?Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them.""Passenger" Mmm, not many like that around."Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"Cabbie: "I married his ex-wife."