- My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.
- My girlfriend dumped me last week just after I broke my wrist.Right when I needed her the most!
- How do you know if you have a high sperm count?When your wife has to chew before she swallows.
- Just watched one of those nature programs about ship wreck diving and my wife said "Why do the divers fall backwards into the sea". So i replied "If they fell forward they will still be in the boat"
- A married man was having an affair with his secretary.One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home."Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house."Darling, I can"t lie to you. I"ve been having an affair with my secretary and we"ve been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn"t wake up until eight o"clock."The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You"ve been playing golf!"
- A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It"s gonna start!"This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It"s gonna start any second!""That"s it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don"t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don"t you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"The husband sighed. "Oh shit. It"s started."
- A dog is truly a man"s best friend.If you don"t believe it, just try this experiment.Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?
- A man walked into a pub, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that"ll be 10 pence." "Ten pence?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak And a bottle of wine?" "A pound," the barman replied. "A pound?" exclaimed the man. "Where"s the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What"s he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied: "The same thing I"m doing to his business down here."
- A man says to his wife, "tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."His wife replies, "you"ve got a bigger dick than your brother."
- My wife is forever saying I don"t pay her any attention. So yesterday I was expecting brownie points when I said, "Have you had your hair done dear? You look different."She went ballistic. I won"t forget she"s having chemotherapy again in a hurry.
- I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, “How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?”I asked him, “Would you drink with a bloke who"s a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?”“Bloody hell! No!” he said, somewhat flabbergasted.“Well, neither would Pete,” I added.
- This prisoner escapes after 15 years.He breaks into a house to look for money and food, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair and he ties the wife to the bed, and gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.While he"s in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He"s probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn"t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don"t resist, don"t complain and do what he tells you, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably really dangerous. If he gets angry, he"ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."To which the wife responds, "he wasn"t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute. He asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom, so I told him where to find it. Be strong, darling. I love you, too."
- I had my credit card stolen the other week,
I haven't reported it, as the thieves are spending less than the Wife.
- my wife asked me to go to the doctors and get something to help us with my sex drive....You should have seen the look on her face when i handed her some slimming tablets...
- Why does Dr. Pepper Come In A Bottle?
Because His Wife Died.
- went dogging with the wife last night, never again, by the time she'd managed to park the car, everyone else had fucked off
- My wife just woke up and said "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace and a diamond ring for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"WOW! How did she know. I cant wait to see the look on her face on Valentines day now...She`ll be delighted when she opens her present to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
- My wifes sister knocked me out yesterday. I was so fucking angry!!
What sort of sick bitch puts chloroform on her dirty knickers!!!!Wife