Whore jokes

• Humpty Dumpty fucked a fat whore,Humpty Dumpty fell to the floor,All the kings horses and all the kings men,Bent the bitch over and fucked her again!
• A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILESHe thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILESSuddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST, FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHTHis curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a sombre stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHe climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, What may we do for you, my sonHe answers, I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.Very well, my son. Please follow me. He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, Please knock on this door. He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway. He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
• I had to get a Visa last week to gain entry into Jordan.I prefer the good old days when she accepted cash.
• A slut is a woman who sleeps with everyone.A bitch is a woman who sleeps with everyone but you.
• There"s a few guys who always get together on Fridays after work for a drink. One Friday, Jeff showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp. Then he turned to Bob and said, "times are getting tough, my friend. I mean, just today my wife told me that she"s going to cut me back to only two times a week - I can"t believe it."At which point Bob put his hand on Jeff"s shoulder and said reassuringly, "you think you"ve got it bad, she"s cut some guys out altogether."
• Not a joke but a good read…The first part is a girl"s email apology to her boyfriend for cheating. The second is his hilarious reply... Brad, It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly, truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won"t even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can"t handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, the world looked funny yesterday, I couldn"t crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can"t listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don"t know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn"t. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, I can"t imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behaviour didn"t reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened. I am so sorry. Elizabeth RESPONSE: Dear Elizabeth, Thank you for your concern. I"ll be sure to file it away under "L! " for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn"t care less about". You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you"re taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn"t as much a "Stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar. To be honest, I"m not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once, but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn"t fuck him" somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn"t care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I"m sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else"s feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don"t think you"re a terrible person, they just think you"re the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector. By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know. PS. I forwarded this email to about 100 people. Talk to you never, Brad
• Finding her young son scooping ice cream in the kitchen, a mother raged, "Dinner is going to be ready soon. Put that ice cream away and go and play.""But mum" wailed the child, "There"s no one to play with.""OK," said the mother wearily, "I"ll play with you. What do you want to play?""Lets play mummy and daddy. You go upstairs and lie on the bed." So the mother went upstairs and lay on the bed. The boy put on his father"s fishing hat, lit up one of his cigars, went upstairs and opened the bedroom door. Seeing him standing there, the mother asked,"Now what do I do?" The boy answered, "Get your ass out of bed you whore and fix that kid some fucking ice cream!"
• A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from Hong Kong to Sydney, Australia.After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I"d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores and my head stuffed up a sheeps arsehole than let liquor touch my lips."The Aussie handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn"t know we had a choice."
• I told the wife I was going to get her diamonds for Christmas. She said nothing would please her more. So I"m getting her nothing instead.
• What"s the difference between Linda McCartney and Heather Mills?Linda McCartney was a Vegetarian who didn"t believe in eating meat...And Heather Mills is a self-opinionated one legged selfish ugly whore who needs a bullet to the head.
• A science teacher asked his class, "How do you make a hormone?"Little Johnny replied, "Don"t pay her."
• Two prostitutes are stood on a street corner, talking.One says to the other, "have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"She replies, "No, but I"ve been swung by the tits a few times."