Wanking jokes

• My condom split on me last night.It was terrible, there was spunk all over my keyboard.
• Bored of sitting on your hand till its numb to make it feel like someone else is wanking you off?Then why not try sitting on your knob, to make it feel like your wanking off some one else.Alternatively, for the voyeurs amongst you, sit on your hand and your knob, so it feels like watching someone wanking someone else off...
• My wife watched a porn film with me for the first time.She was ok with the graphic scenes of sex, but found the masturbation very off-putting.She kept slapping my hand to make me stop.
• My daughter had a charades party for her birthday.After my turn I was beaten up by the other dads.It would seem, that holding my cock and wanking, furiously, while staring at my daughters friends is not the best way to do Gary glitter.
• I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.She said I had to stop wanking.When I asked why, she said, "because I"m trying to examine you!"
• A psychology student is conducting a survey to study the masturbatory habits of males. She approaches the first man, and says, "Excuse me sir, I"m conducting a survey, and would like to know, what do you hold in your left hand while you masturbate?", to which the man replies, "A remote controller, for the DVD". She then approaches the second man, with the same question. He answers, "I"ve got a magazine", and she notes down his answer. She then approaches a third man, and asks him what he holds while he masturbates, to which he answers, "A bar of soap". Bemused by this, she asks why. "I"m bathing the kids."
• Boy asks his mum, "is it wrong to have a willy?""No,why?" she asks."Well, Dad"s sweating like fuck in the bathroom trying to pull his off!"
• I don"t usually buy FHM magazine, but I saw an advert for this month"s edition that said they had shots from a topless photoshoot with Keeley Hazell.So I thought; what the hell, I"ll treat myself and splash out on a copy.That"s me barred from WH Smiths for the foreseeable future...
• I saw a Childline ad the other day that said, "Sarah"s uncle forces her to do things she"s too young to understand".Eh? It"s not rocket science: You just give it a few tugs and white goo comes out. Kids these days really are thick, aren"t they?
• So it seems that Chinese gymnast He Kexin may be 14 and not 16 as first claimed.Just when I thought I"d finished wanking over her...
• I don"t know what"s wrong with young people these days - I was waiting at the bus stop the other day when a group of yobs across the road started shouting "Oi, you wanker!" and "Oi, you dirty cunt!". Why can"t they let me masturbate in peace?
• A refuse collector is doing his rounds and notices one house in the street that doesn"t have a wheelie-bin outside.So he goes to the door and knocks. After a few minutes an old chinese man comes to the door."Where"s your bin?", the refuse collector asks."I bin upstairs", the chinese man replies."No! Where"s your BIN?", he says."I bin upstairs havin" a shit", the guy says."NO! WHERE"S YOUR WHEELIE-BIN?", he continues.The old man thinks for a minute then says:"OK, you got me. I was having a wank"
• Isn"t Laura Robson great.I tell you, just watching her has given me tennis elbow.