Wanker jokes

• I was standing in the park wondering why Frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.
• Why is steve mcclaren similar to a man with no hands?Both are completely useless wankers
• For Dads there is Fathers Day,For mothers there is Mothers Day,For Lovers there is Valentines Daybut for Wankers there is Palm Sunday
• Apparently masturbation is good for you -- really, it is! Sexual relief releases a chemical which stimulates the brain, and in effect is a natural anti-depressant. Scientific researchers reckon that if a person were to masturbate every two hours, he would never feel depressed.So, that got me thinking... Mormons are always really happy, upbeat, and jolly people. This tends to prove what we have known all along: they are all a bunch of wankers.
• The NHS has announced that all sperm banks in Manchester and West London will close for the next 7 days as all the wankers will be in Moscow.
• My girlfriend dumped me last week just after I broke my wrist.Right when I needed her the most!
• All in all, 99000 people are making love right now, 22000 are kissing, 11000 are getting oral and one sad wanker is reading this.....You hang in there, friend!
• Sunday morning in a little chapel in the welsh valleys.The vicar is in the pulpit and says, "Who here in the congregation can tell me they have seen a ghost?"Silence from the congregation.The vicar then says, "Who here in the congregation can tell me that they have seen and spoken to a ghost?"Again silence from the congregation.The vicar then says, "Who here in the congregation can tell me that they have seen and spoken and made love to a ghost?A voice from the back shouts out,"I have vicar!""Thomas Evans", says the vicar, "You mean to tell me that you have seen, spoken to and made love to ghost?"The man replies "Oh! Sorry vicar I thought you said a goat!"
• We had a saying about Yanks in Britain during the war..."Over paid, Over sexed and Over here."We now have a similar saying about Yanks in Britain today....."Over weight, Over bearing and Still fucking over here!"
• A teacher is talking to her class the day before a very important A level exam."Now, I want you all to have a good nights sleep to get ready for the test, is that understood?""But Miss, what if I stay up all night and have rampant sex?" said a cocky student."Then I would advise you to write your test with your other hand," replied the teacher.
• Ah, it"s the time of day when all the American inbred retards swarm the site and think, "Don"t get that. Must be crap. Vote it down, down, down."I have visited American so-called "Sick Joke" sites and the wankers actually apologise after posting a sick joke! Strange how they find sick jokes offensive, but don"t mind bombing the fuck out of innocent human beings (us British included)!Well, here"s a little friendly fire for all you God-fearing, nappy-wearing, sister-shagging retards:Fuck off and find a knock-knock joke site. That will be much more to your shandy-drinking style, I think.
• I"m sure that, like me, you are very proud of our Olympic cycling gold medal winners. Truly, they are sporting heroes who have done wonders for British sport.I can"t wait for them to return home, when they will once again become wankers in Spandex who clog up the roads and get in the way of cars.
• Some tips for 4x4 drivers.1. Don"t bother investing in a personal number plate; No-one gives a fuck what your name is. 2. Those little stalks that are next to the steering wheel are "indicators." Use them occasionally.3. Putting a "Princess on Board" sticker isn"t cool, especially if the princess in question is Diana. She must really smell by now.4. "Parent and Child" spaces aren"t really for you if your child is 19, even if she weighs as many stone.5. When parking, try to park in what we call "parking spaces". 6. Be sure to put a "Greenpeace" or a "Save the Earth" sticker on your bumper. Other drivers will enjoy the irony, even if you don"t.7. When people make "wanker" signs at you, it"s because you are a wanker. Learn to live with it.
• A Brit and an American are chatting in a bar one day.The American says, "you know, there"s a term we have for you Brits, and I always wondered where it came from.""Oh yes," says the Brit, "Which term would that be?""Why do we call you "Limies"?""Ah, well, back in the grand old days of the Sea Faring Empire, one of the major problems on board ship was scurvy which, as you know, is greatly helped by vitamin C. Now, citrus fruits are a good source of Vitamin C but oranges tend to rot quite quickly, and so the Royal Navy commissioned a study and it was found that, of all the citrus fruits, limes lasted the longest. Hence, they put them aboard every ship as a daily ration, to help our brave lads stave off scurvy. So, of course, all of the sailors who met up with US sailors in foreign ports always had, and probably smelled a little of, limes. Hence your name for us.""Well, I"ll be damned," said the American. "I never knew that. Huh. You learn something every day.""You know," said the Brit, "we have a term for you Americans, and I wondered if you knew the origin of it?""Shoot!" replied the American."Why is it that we call you "wankers"?"
• Does anyone else think it"s ironic that the government is investing £500 million of our money in the banks, only so they can loan it back to us later with interest?
• If you"re bored and want to find out something amusing. Go towww.imdb.com (internet movie database)and in the search criteria type in the word wanker.Quite fitting that this guys name comes up, the biggest wanker I can think of to be honest.
• A Scouser inadvertently goes into a gay bar for a beer. He sits at the bar supping his pint when one gay gentleman decides to chance his luck. He approaches the scouser and whispers something into his ear, whereupon the Liverpudlian turns around in complete disgust and horror and proceeds to punch the living fuck out of the homosexual, fist after fist punching him out the door, kicking him across the pub car park, relentlessly punching and kicking until the victim lay comatose. The Scouser then dusted himself down and calmly returned to his pint at the bar, whilst the horrified staff and clientele stood silent and motionless.Eventually, the barman plucks up the courage to ask what had happened:Barman: "Bloody hell mate. What on earth did he whisper to you?"Scouser: "Dunno, something about a "job"."
• There"s going to be be a new ad campaign launched on TV encouraging motorists to slow down when driving. Apparently, this is how it will go:Hit me at 40mph, there"s around an 80% chance I"ll die.Hit me at 30mph, there"s around an 80% chance I"ll live.If I hadn"t have been messing about in the fucking road I wouldn"t have been run over at all.
• Two builders go into the pub after a hard day"s work. They"re sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living."I"ll bet he"s an accountant." said the first builder."Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal. "Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man. Smiling the man replied, "I"m a logical scientist.""A what?" asked the builder."Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens.""Well then it"s logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?""A pond" the builder replied."Well then it"s logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it"s logical to assume you have a large house.""I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly."Given that you have such a large house, it"s logical to assume that you are married..." The builder nodded again, "Yes, I"m married and we have three children." "Then it"s logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life." "Five nights a week!" the builder boasted. The man smiled a little, "Therefore it"s logical to assume you don"t masturbate often.""Never!" the builder exclaimed."Well there you have it" the man explained, "That"s logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I"ve discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!" The builder left, very impressed by the man"s talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?""Yeah," replied the first, "He"s a logical scientist.""A what?" the puzzled second builder asked. "Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?""No" replied his mate."Well, you"re a wanker then!"
• Be proud to be British.We know exactly where every untaxed car is located among the millions of car owners in the UK, but we haven"t got a fucking clue where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located.Maybe Gordon Brown should put the fucking DVLA in charge of immigration.
• What"s the worst thing about being a test-tube baby?You know your Dad"s a wanker!