Viz jokes

• My father strongly believes that you should live every day like it is your last.That is why for the past 17 years he has been in the intensive care unit with an oxygen mask and a tube up his arse.
• TOP TIPTo get sincere personal advice and the correct time, try calling a random telephone number in the early hours of the morning.
• So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.
• Top Tip:Mourners: Read the dress-code of funeral invitations very carefully. Sombre, while being only two letters away from Sombrero, is a world apart in tone.
• Advice for office managers: Keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer. That way, when she goes to get one you"ll get a great view of her arse.
• A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that "God would make her better." Presumably, that"s a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.
• In order to gain more street cred and a career lift Jennifer Lopez took the first letter of her first name and the first syllable of her surname and rebranded herself as J Lo. But I can"t understand with his career on the wane that Pete Doherty hasn"t done the same.
• People think Stephen Hawking is so clever, but when you ask him a question and he is typing in the answer on his little screen, how do we know he isn"t just looking up the answer on the Internet?
• I got into an argument with this thug in the pub. Anyway, I backed away, but as I was leaving he shouted, "I know where you live." I was really worried for a while, but it turned out he works for Royal Mail Parcelforce, so his threat almost certainly isn"t true.
• I can"t understand all this fuss about "evil" Josef Fritzl. As I remember the last time an Austrian hid his young lover and seven children from the authorities the story was turned into the most successful and beloved film musical ever. People are so fickle.
• So, Sting can delay his climax for seven hours. Big deal. I"ve been banging my missus for forty years and she"s not had an orgasm yet.
• I wouldn"t say boo to a goose. I"m not a coward, I just realise that it would be largely pointless.