Violence jokes

• The government wants young potential knife attackers to meet convicts in prison, and knife victims in hospital.It sounds suspiciously like a training camp.
• I kept on wondering why the brick was getting bigger, all of a sudden, it hit me.
• I am as happy as a pig in shite, just had a black girl go down on me for the first time.........an uppercut under the chin did the trick, she went down like a sack of spuds.
• The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.
• I got banned from B&Q last week for fighting with a worker there!I went in and this guy came up to me and asked me if I wanted decking....I made sure I got the first punch in!
• What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, the bitch has already been told twice.
• I was going through US immigration recently. The stern Official asked, "do you advocate the overthrow of the government by violence or subversion?" I thought for a second, then replied, "violence, I think."
• Why is it that, when the Sealed Knot recreate Civil War battles, it"s considered to be enriching historical entertainment and a nice family day out but, when me and a few mates attempt to recreate the holocaust, we all get arrested?
• I"ve never understood why some people beat their wives.I mean, that"s like keying your OWN car.
• Home Secretary Jacqui Smith plans to "shock" youngsters who carry knives.To be honest, that"s the last group I"d be shouting "Boo" to.
• I went into town this morning and there was one of those stupid mimes in the square. First he walked up a ladder that wasn"t there. Then he cleaned a window that wasn"t there. Then he walked into a fist that was there.
• A man comes home early from work one day to find his best mate in bed with his wife.Overcome by anger, he stabs him to death.The wife, shaking her head, looks at him and says, "Keep that up and, pretty soon, you"ll have no friends left!"
• A boy who couldn"t see, hear, smell, feel or taste punched me in the face yesterday.I told him there was no need for senseless violence.
• The world"s gone far too PC, it"s out of control.I was in a golf club the other day and asked a guy, "what"s your handicap?"He replied, "you can"t ask that - it"s offensive and it"s not politically correct."I thought - this is ridiculous. I mean, I"m at a fucking golf club. So I asked again, "what"s your handicap?" and he got really angry and hit me!I got the last laugh though when I kicked him out of his wheelchair.