Vicar jokes

• Me and my girlfriend are getting married soon, and today we went to meet the vicar.The vicar said to my girlfriend, "so how did you realise you were in love with this man?"My girlfriend said, "when every step felt like a skip, when the birds were always singing, and the sun was shining even at night".The vicar said to me, "and how did you realise you were in love with this woman?"I said, "uh, I stopped looking at porn for two days".
• A man went fishing and hadn"t caught a thing in four hours, when all of a sudden the local vicar turned up and cast his rod into the stream and within half an hour his keep net was full! The man is getting quite pissed off at this so decides to ask the vicar how he does it. The vicar kindly tells him "Well my son, go home tonight and rub your hand between your wifes legs, and then rub it in with all your worms and the smell will attract the fish!".The man thinks this is a good idea so he goes home and sees the wife standing by the stove cooking dinner, he goes up to her, sticks his hand up her skirt and starts rubbing away.The wife giggles and says "Oh hello vicar, off fishing again?"
• A drunk is stumbling through the woods on his way home when he comes across a vicar baptising people in a river. As the drunk approaches the vicar asks if he would like to find Jesus.The drunk agrees and wades into the river.The vicar dunks him, and asks "Have you found jesusNo replies the drunkThe vicar dunks him again this time for a bit longer, have you found him now he asksNo replies the drunkLord give me strength says the vicar and dunks the drunk until he starts gasping in the water.Have you found him now asks the vicarNo replies the drunk. Are you sure this is where he fell in?
• I was mowing the grass at my local church last weekend to help out our ageing vicar. About halfway round a blackbird landed right in front of my mower, and before I knew what was happening blood was spraying everywhere.... including all over me!I went to tell the vicar what had happened, and apologised for not being able to finish the job, as I had to go to the hospital for an AIDS test."What do you mean?" he said? "Black birds don"t carry AIDS!""This one does" says I, "She"s Nigerian and was trying to steal the lead off the church roof when she fell off".
• A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn"t wear his collar like that."The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn"t wear his collar that way."The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."
• During a sermon, the vicar hands around a donation plate.One of the people attending, a gay man, pulls out a huge wad of twenty pound notes and places it on the plate. When the plate is returned, the vicar sees the wad of notes, gasps and says, "can the kind person who donated such a generous amount please stand up?"The gay man stands up."You are very generous sir," says the vicar, "you may choose your three favourite hymns."The gay bloke looks around, points and says, "I"ll have him, him and him."
• A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid. "Aren"t you a little young to be drinking, son?" he asked. "That"s nothing," the kid said after taking a swig of beer. "I got laid when I was three." "What? How did that happen?" "I don"t remember. I was drunk."
• Little Johnny was playing with something in the road. The local vicar came up to him and said, "hello, little Johnny. What"s that your playing with?"Little Johnny replied, "it`s Sulphuric acid.""You mustn"t play with that," gasped the vicar, "it"s dangerous"Little Johhny says,"hey, I don"t tell you not to play with holy water!"The vicar says, "no, because holy water is good. The other day I put holy water on a pregnant woman"s tummy and she passed a baby boy.""Well..." says little Johnny "...the other day I put Sulphuric Acid on my dogs Bollocks and he passed a Ferrari."
• A vicar is having a wank in the bathroom. As he"s finishing himself off, he turns around to see the window cleaner staring at him. Red faced, he rushes downstairs as he hears a knock at the door. "I"ve done your windows vicar, that"ll be £100" says the cleaner with a smirk and a wink. Hurriedly, the vicar pays him and shuts the door. The vicars wife, who had been listening, yelled "£100 for 4 small windows?! He must"ve seen you coming!"