Vibrator jokes

• Ann Summers new vibrator for women is so realistic! Just before you reach a climax it cums, farts, goes limp, rolls over and then it switches itself off.
• What do quorn and vibrators have in common?They are both used as a meat substitute!!
• How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.
• If someone ever invents a vibrator that can open jars, us men are fucked!
• How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant?The kid stutters.
• I wouldn"t say that Shannon Matthews" mother was ugly, but she does have to get her vibrator pissed.
• An Essex Girl enters a sex shop and asks for a vibrator. The man says "Choose from our range on the wall." She says "I"ll take the red one." The man replies "That"s a fire extinguisher."
• Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For her birthday, I"m going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way, if she doesn"t like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring." As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife"s birthday, I"m going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way, if she doesn"t like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet." As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I"m going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn"t like the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!"
• A little old lady goes into a sex shop, shaking like she has Parkinson"s walks up to the counter and says to the assistant,"Young maaaan, have you got a viiiibraaaatoor?"He"s a bit taken aback and not sure if her heard her correctly because of her shaky voice, but he picks out a modest-sized model and places it on the counter."Nooooo, nooooo, bigger than thaaat"So he brings her the next size up."Noooooo, noooo, bigger than thaaaat"This happens a few times until finally he places the biggest vibrator in the entire shop on the counter. It"s eighteen inches long with a girth that would make even Jenna Jameson"s eyes water."Yeeeees, yeeeees, thaaaat"s the one. Hoooow do you tuuuurn it off?"
• What"s the difference between a vibrator and a Muslim?A Muslim is a real dick.
• As a woman passes her daughter"s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: "What in the world are you doing?!"The daughter replied: "Mom, I"m 32 years old, unmarried, and this is about as close as I"ll ever get to a husband. So please go away and leave me alone!"The next day, the girl"s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, The daughter replied: "Dad, I"m 32 years old, unmarried, and this is about as close as I"ll ever get to a husband. So please go away and leave me alone!"A couple of days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room?She entered, and observed her husband sitting on the couch, sipping a cold beer, and staring at the TV.The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.The wife asked: "What are you doing?"The husband replied: "I"m watching football with my son-in-law".
• A Essex girl went into a sex shop and asked the assistant for a vibrator. Wagging his finger at her, he said, "Come this way." She replied, If I could come that way, I wouldn"t need a vibrator."
• Well, I looked in my mum"s closet and saw what I was getting for Christmas: an UltraVibe Pleasure 2000.- Eric Cartman