Vet jokes

• I never realised there were laws against shagging your own patients.Well not until the RSPCA told me anyway.
• The best thing about being a vet is, I can make a woman show me her pussy then send her husband the bill!
• A man takes his rottweiler to the vet."Can you have a look at him," he says, "I think he"s cross-eyed".So the vet picks up the dog and examines him."I"m going to have to put him down," says the vet."Why, just because he"s cross eyed?""No," says the vet, "because he"s heavy!"
• I"m having some problems with my new Staffordshire Bull Terrier- I rang the vet for some advice.I explained he was brown, stupid, aggressive and liable to attack anyone for no good reason.The vet replied " Muzzle "im? " No, I said- I think he"s an atheist.
• One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name so we named her Pussycat.The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband, [the complainer] said, "OK, but don"t forget to wash her, she stinks." My husband and my vet don"t see eye to eye. He calls my husband El-cheap-O. My husband calls him Take-0. They love to hate each other.Next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located next door to the vet. The doctor"s office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. In the midst of the waiting room crowd, a side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive.He looked straight at my husband, "Your wife"s pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she"s pregnant. God knows who the father is!" And he closed the door.
• A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird"s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I"m so sorry, your pet has passed away."The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?""Yes, I"m sure. The duck is dead" he replied."How can you be so sure?" she protested, "I mean you haven"t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.As the owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again.The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.The vet looked at the woman and said, "I"m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.The duck"s owner, still in shock, took the bill."£300!" she cried. "£300 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"The vet shrugged. "I"m sorry. If you"d taken my word for it, the bill would have been £40.""But with the Lab report and the Cat scan, It all adds up."
• Bill took his dog to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I"m afraid I"m going to have to ask you to cut off my dog"s tail." The vet stepped back, "Bill, why should I do such a terrible thing?" Bill replied, "Because my mother-in-law"s arriving tomorrow, and I don"t want anything to make her think she is welcome."
• Reports are coming in about a Crane collapse in New York. It"s being covered live by CNN and Fox.What"s the big fucking deal?Don"t they have vets in America?
• I was taking my dog out the other day when I met this bloke who asked me where I was going.The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have him put down.He asked me, "is he mad?"To which I replied, "well, he"s not exactly pleased about it."
• A farmer went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill, who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing. The farmer complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn"t even look at a cow. Banker Bill suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull. Next week, Banker Bill returned to see if the vet had helped. The farmer looked very pleased. "The bull has serviced all of my cows! He broke through the fence, and bred all my neighbor"s cows! He"s been breeding just about everything in sight. He"s like a machine!" "Wow," said Banker Bill, "what did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asked Banker Bill. "I don"t know, but they kind of taste like peppermint."