Vaseline jokes

• Why did the Prophet Mohammed marry a six-year-old?Because he was a paedophile.
• Paedophiles are fucking immature arseholes.
• This prisoner escapes after 15 years.He breaks into a house to look for money and food, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair and he ties the wife to the bed, and gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.While he"s in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He"s probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn"t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don"t resist, don"t complain and do what he tells you, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably really dangerous. If he gets angry, he"ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."To which the wife responds, "he wasn"t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute. He asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom, so I told him where to find it. Be strong, darling. I love you, too."
• Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn"t have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it"s quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it"s going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don"t talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. "She"s got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that"s enough, I"ll do the fucking dishes!"
• The other day I walked into my local chemists, and asked the manager if they sold Vaseline."No, I"m afraid we"re out of stock at the moment, have you tried boots?"I looked at him and said "Don"t be daft, I wanna slide in, not fucking march in!"
• Two puffs, Rupert And Cecil, are lying in bed together when suddenly Rupert gets a jar of Vaseline and says to Cecil, "can I rub some of this Vaseline into your chest?"Cecil says, "why?"Rupert says "Well, I was reading in this weeks Gay magazine that Vaseline stimulates hair growth, and I"d like you to have a masculine hairy chest."Cecil says, "don"t be fucking silly, Rupert! You know as well as I do that, if that was true, I"d have a ponytail sticking out of my arse."
• Two gays, Rupert and Cecil, are lying in bed together when Rupert starts rubbing Vaseline into his chest.Cecil says, "what are you doing?"Rupert says, "I read in Falcon magazine that Vaseline stimulates hair growth and I want a nice hairy chest.."To which Cecil says, "don"t be so fucking stupid - if that was true I would have a ponytail growing out of my arse."
• My girlfriend brought some Vaseline over last night."We can have some fun with this!" she said.And she was fucking right as well......I smeared it all over the doorknobs in our bedroom and she couldn"t get back in!
• One morning a secretary says to her boss " Hey boss, have you ever rubbed vaseline into your cock ? " The boss nearly chokes on his coffee and says " Why on earth do you ask that ? " She says " Well I had a chapped lip yesterday and today it"s gone "