United jokes

• How do you confuse Man Utd. supporters?Ask them the way to Manchester.
• J.K Rowling is set to have talks with Mike Ashley to buy Newcastle later today.She loves pumping money into lost causes.
• Which three English League teams have swear words in their name?1) Arsenal.2) Scunthorpe United.3) Manchester Fucking United.
• John Terry VodkaMade in EnglandBottled in Russia
• *MESSAGE FROM NEWCASTLE UNITED FAN CLUB*Come back Roeder & ShephardAll is forgiven
• A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama today when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the boy. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt. The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone. The judge dramatically allowed the boy to chose who should have custody of him. Custody was yesterday granted to Newcastle United Football Club as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone."
• What"s the difference between a British and an Iraqi soldier?Don"t know?Welcome to the United States Air Force, son!
• Manchester United have cancelled their open-top tour bus.A spokesman said that, after paying so much getting to Moscow, you can"t expect fans to travel all the way to Manchester too.
• What"s the difference between a hedgehog and a bus full of united supporters?The hedgehog"s got the pricks on the outside.
• Police are called to Old Trafford. A man in full Chelsea strip is standing on top of the main stand, threatening to throw himself off. The police negotiator says to him, "come on mate, it"s not that bad, don"t do it!""You don"t get it!" says the Chelsea fan, "for years I"ve been a Chelsea supporter, and this year I was convinced we would win everything. Instead, we were kicked out of the FA cup by Barnsley... we lost the Carling Cup final to Spurs... then we lost the Premiership to the Mancs, and then we went to the Champions League final and Man United beat us again! I can"t take it any more!""Ok mate, I do understand your pain," replied the negotiator, "but I don"t understand one thing... why are you here at Old Trafford? Why aren"t you jumping off the main stand at Stamford Bridge?"The Chelsea fan looked at the policeman and replied, "have you seen the fucking QUEUE?"
• Shannon Matthews has been found safe and well. Her first words were, "Have Newcastle won yet?" "Fuck off," replies the copper, "You"ve only been missing a month..."
• David Beckham is in training with Ryan Giggs. They are both joking and messing about when a furious Alex Ferguson comes up to them to give them a piece of his mind."Lads, after todays performance you two can stay behind for extra training."Beckham and Giggs are gutted and then wait for the end of the session. Ferguson and the boys go home and it"s just the two of them."Let"s just go home," says Giggsy, "who will know?"So they both go home to their respective houses. Beckham goes upstairs to hear passionate moaning and screaming coming from the bedroom. Becks goes to investigate and puts his head round the door to see Fergie pumping away at Victoria and is horrified.The next day in training Beckham and Giggs are fucking around when Fergie tells them both to stay behind again.Giggs turns to Beckham and says, "Let"s just go home early again.""Fuck you," replies Beckham, "I nearly got caught yesterday."