Uncle jokes

• My uncles got really bad financial problems.He has both Tourettes and a swear box.
• My uncle died the other day. He was a deck chair attendant.Took the fuckers five attempts before they got him in the coffin.
• The strangest thing happened to me the other night. I put my dinner in the oven and left it a while before going back to check on it. When I opened the oven door, it had gone. Tray, food the lot. Starving, I went to my uncles house and went upstairs. There under his bed was my dinner.Last time I buy Matthews Turkey Roast.*Yes, this is a piss take on the McCann Oven Chips joke.*-------------------------------And your smart arse remark just cost you a point off all your jokes-------------------------------Ooooh, get you. Knobhead.
• I think my uncle was a ventriloquist,He used to put his hand up my bum and tell me not to talk.
• Why are uncles like curries?Bad ones hurt your arsehole.
• The government plan to introduce sex education in schools at the age of four.I myself started receiving sex education at this age, in fact my uncle used to ram it down my throat.
• Definition of a virgin:A girl that can run faster than her uncle.
• Shannon Matthews, a face only a uncle could love!!!!
• Some positive news for Amir Khan.His uncle has offered him a paper round at his corner shop.
• My uncle died the other day - he drank a bottle of varnish.The doctor said he had a terrible end, but a lovely finish.
• Saw that NSPCC advert a while back: "Jenny"s uncle makes her do things that, as a child, she doesn"t understand..."I thought "Sudoku?"
• My Uncle had his tongue shot off during World War II.He doesn"t talk about it, though.
• Went to visit my uncle in prison today. He"s been inside three times, but the other ten times he was receiving.