Ugly jokes

• Amy Winehouse went to Glastonbury last weekend.Poor Amy had to wade through dirt, needles, rubbish and people lying around everywhere...... just to leave her flat.
• I hope Gary Glitter grows his hair back before his inevitable comeback tour. At the moment, with his big bald head and huge beard, he looks like a fucking paedophile.
• Shannon Matthews has been found alive and unharmed.Thank goodness she was too ugly to molest.
• I hear Karen Matthews is on suicide watch.You have to feel sorry for the poor sod who has to look at her every 15 minutes.
• Apparently 60% of kids are overweight, and 72% of kids are having underage sex......So who is shagging all the fat kids?
• An extremely ugly fat bird walks into a pub, and shouts "if anyone can guess my weight they can shag me". A guy in the corner replies "93 stone you fat cow".Close enough she replies, you lucky bastard
• Jade Goody has cancer, and she claims that she is worried that hair loss might ruin her looks. Nice to see she hasn"t lost her sense of humour.
• A local paedophile ring has made the unprecedented step of issuing a statement after being accused of hiding Shannon Matthews for two weeks.They said "Fuck off - we do have some standards you know"
• A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he"s pulled over by the police. The police officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking Sir?""No. Why?" replies the man. "Was I all over the road?""No," replies the officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."
• I was in the supermarket the other day and there was a girl in front of me at the checkout, she had one apple, one pear, one toothbrush, one ready meal and one tin of soup.I leaned over and said, "you"re single, aren"t you?""How can you tell?" she said, in a sarcastic tone.I said, "because you"re an ugly cunt!"
• Feminists say all men are potential rapists but, surely, by that same logic it would mean all women are potential rape victims. And believe me there"s a lot of dog-ugly women out there I wouldn"t waste my duct tape on.
• I was at a family gathering and I had a shocking realisation. I saw my mother-in-law, and it hit me - in 25 years time, that"s what my wife will look like. But it wasn"t all bad - it occured to me that, in 25 years, our young daughter will probably look like my wife does now - so there is always that option.
• First, it was Shannon Matthews" step-dad"s step-uncle who was arrested.Then her step-dad. Then her step-dad"s sister, and step-dad"s mum.Now Shannon"s mother, Karen Matthews has been arrested.It"s good to see the police clamping down on ugly people.
• I wouldn"t say that Shannon Matthews" mother was ugly, but she does have to get her vibrator pissed.