Twins jokes

• I think twins are proof that God is kinky.
• My wife recently had twins, Darryl and Liam. I filed for divorce the moment I found out.Apparently she met them at a disco the fucking dirty old slut.
• What is Shannon Matthews having for Xmas??Twins
• Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg. Paddy says, "me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy"s two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da" sent me up here to shag ya both." "Fook off you liar!""I"ll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what"s the use of fookin" one?"
• Thought for the Day:If you"re a Siamese twin, and you have sex with the other one, is it masturbation or incest?
• Kate and Gerry McCann are to celebrate being cleared with a slap-up meal. If anyone"s interested, the twins are upstairs the third door on the left... and the keys are under the plantpot.
• This bloke is pacing up and down at home while his wife is in hospital giving birth. The phone rings and the bloke answers."This is the hospital, sir, your wife has given birth to twins. However, there are more on the way."The bloke puts the phone down and takes a large swig of vodka. The phone rings again. "This is the hospital, your wife has had another little boy, and there are still more on the way."The bloke drinks the whole bottle of vodka - by now he is totally wankered. He picks up the phone to ring the hospital to find out if she"s had any more babies but, by mistake, he rings lords cricket ground.When the phone is answered, he asks, "what"s the latest?"And the person on the line says, "97 all out, and the last one was a duck!"
• A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with hertwo kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through theentrance.The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children you"ve got there. Are they twins?"The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren"t, you fucking idiot! The oldest, he"s nine and the younger one, she"s seven. Why the hell would you think they"re twins...? Do you really think they look alike, you fucking dickhead?""Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can"t believe anyone would shag you twice!"
• When I was a little girl, me and my twin had it tough. Our mother would dress us in identical clothes.I didn"t mind too much but my twin hated it, especially when the boys used to look up his skirt to see what colour knickers he was wearing.
• I will be marking the anniversary of 9/11 in style.I"m going to fuck a pair of twins til they drop.
• A man walking down the street passes a lady and says: "How old are your twins?" "The girl is 12 and the boy is 7, why do you think they"re twins?" she replies."Because I can"t believe someone would fuck you twice!"