Twat jokes

• The Declaration of Independance - basically a restraining order keeping those fucking Americans away from England.The literacy concern of Great Britain is not as paramount a issuse as that of America, where a retard can be executed, or made president. Live the dream.
• Bottle of whisky; +55 pence.Bottle of wine; +14 pencePint of beer; +4 pencePacket of cigarettes; +11 penceFuel duty; +2 pence, suspended for 6 months.Filling up the car with petrol, ferrying it over to calais, filling the fucker up with cigarettes and booze, coming back and selling them in my local; PRICELESS!
• If only the good die young, does that make everyone over 50 a twat?
• In response to the challenges to his leadership, Gordon Brown stated today that, with the credit crunch beginning to kick in, this is no time for Britain to have a novice in charge.I agree. What we really need is someone with years of experience in fucking us over and robbing us blind...
• I hope Gary Glitter grows his hair back before his inevitable comeback tour. At the moment, with his big bald head and huge beard, he looks like a fucking paedophile.
• There once was a girl called Louise,Whose pubes hung down to her knees,So the crabs in her twat,Tied her hairs in a platt,And constructed a flying trapeze
• "Stop wasting food," Prime Minister Gordon Brown urged the British public today. "Any unwanted items may be forwarded to John Prescott," he added.
• Be proud to be British.We know exactly where every untaxed car is located among the millions of car owners in the UK, but we haven"t got a fucking clue where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located.Maybe Gordon Brown should put the fucking DVLA in charge of immigration.
• Non-alcoholic beer is like licking your sister"s twat, it tastes the same but it just ain"t right.
• My boss really is a bastard. He calls me in to his office and says, "You know, I really don"t know how we would cope without you..." and just as I get my hopes up he continues, "...but starting Monday we"re going to try."
• Jade Goody"s boyfriend has been jailed for 18 months today for attacking a 16-year-old boy with a golf club.I wonder if she will be waiting for him when he comes out?
• Once you"ve had black, you"ll want your stuff back.
• Black man walks into a bar....Well, that"s what I told the police.
• Why did David Beckham have a bald head?Because Victoria"s mate said her sex life would be better if she shaved her twat!
• Some people think of Jeremy Kyle as just being a bully, but it"s easy to forget that he"s also a twat.
• Why don"t Muslims drink alcohol?It might give the cunts a sense of humour.
• I told the wife I was going to get her diamonds for Christmas. She said nothing would please her more. So I"m getting her nothing instead.
• A judge asks a surly defendant if he has anything to say for himself. The defendant mutters, "fuck all.""What did you say?" asks the judge. The court clerk turns to the judge and says, "the defendant said, "fuck all", your honour.""Really?" replies the judge, "I could have sworn I saw his lips move."
• AND THE YANKS GET ALL UPSET WHEN SOMEONE STATES HOW THICK THEY REALLY ARE, WELL READ AND LAUGH YOUR ASS OFF WITH THESE:The Stella Awards, named after Stella Leibeck who suffered third degree burns to her legs, groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonalds coffee on herself. She was driving at the time. Celebrate, if you will, America"s most frivolous lawsuits:1. Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury after breaking her ankle falling over a child who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were surprised by the verdict, considering that the misbehaving little bastard was Mrs Robertson"s son.2. 19 year old Carl Truman of LA won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand in a Honda Accord. Mr.Truman hadn"t noticed that there was anyone at the wheel of the vehicle before trying to steal the hub-caps.3. Terrence Dickinson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he has just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was unable to open the garage door from inside, and the door back into the house had locked shut behind him. The house owners were on vacation. Mr Dickinson found himself locked in the garage for eight days with just two bottle of Pepsi and a bag of dog biscuits to live on. He sued the homeowner, and received half a million dollars for undue mental anguish.4. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by a beagle. The beagle was chained up in it"s owners yard. The award was a little less than first thought, given that the jury agreed that Mr Williams had provoked the dog by shooting it repeatedly with an air gun.5.A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster $113,000 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was only on the floor because Ms Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.6.Kara Walton of Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club after she fell from the bathroom window and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms Walton was trying to sneak out and avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12, 000 and dental expenses.And the winner is: Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma purchased a brand new 32 foot Winnebago motor home. Upon leaving the dealership, he pulled onto the freeway, set the cruise control at 70mph and calmly made his way into the back to make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the vehicle left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he couldn"t actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 and a new Winnie. Winnebago actually changed their handbooks in case another complete moron decided to buy one of their vehicles.
• Why are chavs like a vaginoplasty?They can spend a fortune on their appearance, but they"ll still end up just looking like a twat.
• Why is it that, when I ask the council to take my old sofa away, they never come but, as soon as I chain my kids to it, they"re round in a flash.
• Big Brother 9I"ve never seen so many twats in one place since I last went window shopping in Amsterdam.
• What"s the difference between my backed-up toilet and the Chancellor of the Exchequer?My backed-up toilet is only half-full of shit.