Tv jokes

• What has eight legs and a big black cunt?The A-Team.
• Why are black people so strong? TVs are getting heavier.
• A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It"s gonna start!"This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It"s gonna start any second!""That"s it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don"t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don"t you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"The husband sighed. "Oh shit. It"s started."
• A psychology student is conducting a survey to study the masturbatory habits of males. She approaches the first man, and says, "Excuse me sir, I"m conducting a survey, and would like to know, what do you hold in your left hand while you masturbate?", to which the man replies, "A remote controller, for the DVD". She then approaches the second man, with the same question. He answers, "I"ve got a magazine", and she notes down his answer. She then approaches a third man, and asks him what he holds while he masturbates, to which he answers, "A bar of soap". Bemused by this, she asks why. "I"m bathing the kids."
• The other week I made a joke about Alzheimer"s live on TV.You should have seen the envelopes I got.
• If you think London knife crime is bad, it"s not. We"ve had 200 murders in the last year where I live, here in the small English village of Midsomer.
• A bloke is watching TV, his wife is out at bingo. As he is settling down his son, who was watching TV up in his room, appears in the doorway. "Dad, what"s love juice?"The dad chokes on his beer and thinks, "Well he is 12 now perhaps I should explain"."Well son" he says, "soon you will meet a girl who you fancy, you will become exited, your willy will get very hard."The dad gulps and carries on. "You will touch the girl all over and when you reach the top of her leg it will feel wet, this is her love juice coming out of her vagina, it means she is ready for sexual intercourse." The son looks curious and says, "Ok dad thanks." As he is leaving the room the dad says, "Hang on son, what are you watching up there to make you ask that?"The son replies "Just the Tennis."
• Ever seen that show "Everybody hates Chris?"Do you think it"s just because he"s black?
• Dear Minister,I"m in the process of renewing my passport but I am at a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals, Basingstoke, has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.Do you people do this by hand?You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I"ve filed for the past 30-odd years. It"s on my health insurance card, my driver"s licence, on the last four passports I"ve had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I"ve had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother"s name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father"s name is Robert, and I"d be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!I apologise Minister. I"m obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don"t want to activate the Fifth Reich for God"s sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week"s well-earned rest away from all this crap.Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that"d be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You"d rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it"s really me on the damn picture - you know... the one where we"re not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!Hey, you know why we can"t smile? "Cause we"re totally jacked off!I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone "important" to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...Yours sincerely,An Irate British Citizen.
• If ITV"s "Heartbeat" is set entirely in the 1960s. How come they"ve had 16 Christmas episodes?
• Our last fight was my fault.My wife asked me, "what"s on the TV?"I said, "dust!"