Tree jokes

• A bus crashed into a tree in London today resulting in one death and numerous injuries.The driver is to be interviewed by the Special Branch.
• How do you get a nigger out of a tree ? Cut the ropes.
• If a tree falls in the woods, and kills a Paki, does anyone care?
• **** BREAKING NEWS ****An act of terror is now suspected to be the cause of the London bus crash, which killed one and injured many more earlier today.It would appear that Al Qaeda claim to have planted the tree.
• What do you call a nigger with an green afro?A tree!
• How does an Irishman catch a rabbit?Hides behind a tree and makes a noise like a lettuce!
• Why are the streets of Paris lined with trees?So the Germans can march in the shade.
• Man hires Chinese P.I.... Chan Lee, to watch to see if his wife is being unfaithful...! 2 days later, he gets a report:Most Honourable sir.I watch house.You leave house.He came to house.He and She leave house.I follow.He and she go hotel.I climb tree and look in window.He kiss she.She kiss he.He strip.She strip.He play with she.She play with he.I play with me.I fallout tree.I not see.No fee.
• The spot where Marc Bolan died has, over the years, grown into a shrine to his memory with fans from all over the world leaving flowers and momentos.A recent meeting of the local council decided it would be appropriate to place a permanent memorial at the site.After due consideration it was decided to erect a simple sign. On one side it reads "This sign commemorates the spot where Marc Bolan met his tragic death".The other side says WARNING - TREE.
• Two Irishmen are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden....... "Hey Paddy, do you smell what I smell. It"s bacon - I"m sure of it." "Yes, Mick, it smells like bacon to me." So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There"s raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there"s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat. "Paddy, paddy we"re saved. It is a bacon tree." "Mick, are you sure it"s not a mirage? We are in the desert, don"t forget." "Paddy, when did you ever hear of a mirage that smell like bacon? It"s no mirage, it"s a bacon tree."And, with that, Mick races towards the tree. He gets to within five metres, Paddy following closely behind, when, all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up and Mick is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Paddy with his dying breath. "Paddy... go back man, you was right it"s not a bacon tree." "Mick, Mick ... what the fuck is it?""Paddy... its not a bacon tree... it"s...it"s...it"s...it"s a Ham Bush."
• What"s harder than nailing a dead baby to a tree?My cock while I"m doing it.
• When four of Santa"s elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit.This stressed Santa even more.When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In hisfrustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.He opened the Door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn"t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
• During last night"s high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree. A spokesman for Birmingham City Council said "we didnt even know they lived up there!"
• Paddy & Murphy are out looking for jobs when they pass a lumberjacks. Paddy goes up to the head lumberjack and asks if any jobs are going."Actually, we"re after tree fellers right now." replied the lumberjack.Paddy looked disappointed and said, "Pity, there"s only two of us."
• This girl was riding in a car with her boyfriend. She got bored and said "Every time you speed up 5MPH I"ll take some clothes off." Well, this went on for about 15 minutes until she was naked and he was going about 95MPH. They lost control of the car and crashed into a tree.The guy was hurt pretty badly and his car door was crushed to the point where he couldn"t open it. His naked girlfriend was fine and could get out of the car. So, she took her boyfriend"s shoe and put it in front of her beaver and covered her chest with her arm. She flagged down a car. Without thinking she said "HELP MY BOYFRIEND IS STUCK AND HE CAN"T GET OUT!!" The guy in the car looked at the shoe on her crotch and his eyes got really big. He said "If he is that far in, he"s not coming out!"
• A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. OK, follow me, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good!" said the first bat, "Because I fucking didn"t."