- I saw a homeless man getting off a bus, I thought to myself.. how does he know this is his stop?
- How do tramps connect wirelessly?Brown Tooth.
- Saw a hobo walking down the street the other day wearing only one shoe."You alright mate?" I asked "Have you lost your shoe?"He replied "No I found one..."
- Bob is walking home when he sees a tramp begging for change. Feeling a bit sorry for the man, he gives him some change and begins to walk off."Thank you," says the homeless man. "It used to be so good for me but look at me now.""What do you mean?" asked Bob.The tramp replied, "I was a multi-millionaire, I had bank accounts all across the world with millions in. I had investments, bonds, stocks, shares and all sorts.""What happened, where did it go wrong?"The tramp replied, "forgot my fucking mother"s maiden name."
- A tramp walks into a jewellers, puts his hands down his trousers and starts fingering his arsehole. The sales assistant shouts at him "Stop what you"re doing and get out!" The tramp says "You want to make your fucking minds up, you"ve a sign on the window says come inside and pick your ring in comfort."
- I was in London the other day and this tramp came up to me and said, "Mister I haven"t tasted food in a week"I said "Don"t worry it still tastes the same".
- When I was out for a walk last night, I came across a tramp.Well, it"s cheaper than paying a prostitute.
- A tramp finds a five pound note in the street. He decides to go to the off-licence and buy a bottle of white wine. After duly knocking back the plonk the tramp falls into a drunken torpor and collapses in a small alleyway. About ten minutes later a passing homosexual happens upon the sprawled body of the tramp. Not having greased the pole for a while the shirt-lifter whips down the tramps keks and gives him one up the old Gary Glitter. As the rear-gunner is just about to leave he gets a pang of conscience and tucks a five pound note into the tramp"s hand. Upon waking up the next day the tramp discovers the fiver. Hardly believing his good fortune he rushes back to the off-licence and purchases another bottle of white wine. Yet again he downs the vino and falls into a drunken sleep in his favourite alleyway. A little later the same chutney ferret passes the alleyway and sees the tramp. Unable to contain himself, the uphill gardener divests the tramp of his jockeys and gives him another hoop stretching. Again he leaves five pounds out of guilt for his actions. Upon waking up the tramp discovers another fiver in his hand and so hastens back to the off-licence. He grabs a bottle of red wine and hands it to the sales assistant for wrapping. The sales assistant, by now familiar with the tramp"s usual habits, asks why he is buying red wine this time to which the tramp responds, "I quite like the white wine but it doesn"t half make my fucking arse sore".
- A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a toothpick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp leaves.A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don"t tell me, you want a toothpick too.""No, a straw," says the Tramp.The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff"s gone already".
- I was waiting at a bus stop the other day and couldn"t help wondering, "if I was a tramp, would I be home by now".
- There"s an old trampy guy who lives in a battered old shed near me. He"s always smiling.The other day I said to him, "What"s the secret of happiness, mate?"He said, "Throw away all your possessions!"I said, "How can that make you happy?"He said, "I need your telly and video for my shed!"
- tramp walks into a bar and asks for a cocktail stick, the barman gives it to him and he leaves. a minute later anothr tramp walks into the bar and asks for another cocktail stick. the barman gives it him and he walks out the bar. just then a thrid tramp comes in and asks for a straw, the barman says "hold on a sec, two homeless guys just came in asking for a cocktail stick and now you're asking for a straw. whats going on?"
to which the tramp replies: "someone has just thrown up outside, and all the chunky bits are gone"