Tommy cooper jokes

• Some mornings I wake up bitchyOther mornings I let her sleep.
• I have just been interviewing people for a post at my work.The first guy was fresh from university and very eager.The second guy had a degree and five years experience.The woman had two degrees and twelve years experience.Of course I employed the woman, as I only have to pay her half as much.
• What do you show to a woman who has been driving accident-free for 10 years?..Second gear.
• I wanted to ask my wife her honest view on sexist jokes.But she was too busy doing the cooking.
• I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
• How did Tommy Cooper die?...Just like that...
• I went out for a meal last night and ordered everything in French. I surprised everyone. It was a Chinese Restaurant.
• Our last fight was my fault.My wife asked me, "what"s on the TV?"I said, "dust!"
• You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, "Parking Fine."So that was nice.
• So the back of this guy"s anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him.I said, "do you earn a living doing that?"He said, "yes, this is my livelihood."
• Got home the other day, the wife was crying.I said, "What are you crying for love?"She said, "I"m homesick"I said, "But this is your home!"She said, "Yes and I"m fucking sick of it!"
• A man once said to me, "I"m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library."I thought, "That"ll be a turn-up for the books."Tim Vine