Tim vine jokes

• I always wanted to be a comedian as a child. My Dad told me I should practice in the bath, so I did. The bad thing is, he said the same thing to my brother. He was an electrician.
• I had a dog called Minton, who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks..Bad Minton..
• First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.Funny sense of humour my plumber has.
• A man went into a library and asked for a book on suicide.The librarian said "Fuck off, you won"t bring it back."
• My wife"s pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.I replied, "yes just once."The doctor asked, "what was it like?"I said, "it was dark, then suddenly very light."
• I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn"t put it down.
• I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can"t make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
• The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my house.I didn"t know what to make of it.
• I used to live on the 13th floor but have just moved up to the 14th floorBut that"s another storey.
• One armed butlers.They can take it, but they can"t dish it out.
• Just won a year"s supply of Marmite!One fucking jar!
• I"m colour blind but I don"t let it affect my life... ...Last night I went to see "Joseph and His amazing Brown Coat".