Thief jokes

• There was a blackout in my street last night...Everyone had to stay indoors until the police shot the cunt!
• I had my sat nav stolen the other night.The worst thing was that I could hear the bitch giving him an escape route.
• What do you call a chav that has a tasteful car?A thief.
• I was walking through a Saudi Arabian market and I saw a guy getting his hand stitched back on. I said "Oh I see you won your appeal"!!!!
• The other night I met a gorgeous African girl in a bar. I bought her a drink, we got chatting and it was obvious we fancied each other like crazy. When the bar shut I invited her back to mine, we went straight to the bedroom. I stripped off naked, stood in front of her and said "show me what black girls do best", so she nicked my telly.
• A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says, "Show me it"s true what they say about black men."So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.
• What"s the chav next door getting for Christmas? Your bike.
• Police have cordoned off an area in Croxteth after sightings of an unidentified, never seen before, circular object.Turns out it"s a tax disc.
• Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to the defendant, "You can let me try your case, or you can choose to have a jury of your peers."The man thought for a moment. "What are peers?" he asked."They"re people just like you - your equals.""Forget it," retorted the defendant, "I don"t want to be tried by a bunch of thieves."
• What"s a chav"s favourite type of car? One without an alarm.
• A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die in a plane crash and go up to Heaven"s gates together. When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who says: "Sorry, it"s crowded up here, you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can"t get in." He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?""Oh, that"s easy," the teacher replies, "the Titanic." So St. Peter lets her into Heaven. Next he turns to the petty thief. "How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asks. "Oooh, that"s tough, but I saw the movie, and I think it was 1,500." St. Peter steps away and the thief walks into Heaven. Finally, St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says: "Name them."