Theft jokes

• What do you call 5 men pushing a car?Man powerWhat do you call 5 women pushing a car?Woman powerWhat do you call 5 black people pushing a car?Theft
• How do you make a chav run faster?Put a DVD player under his arm.
• Residents in Birmingham are being warned about identity theft, after two women were hacked into earlier this week.
• What do you give the scouser that has everything?A court order for robbery
• Ten Liverpudlians arrive in heaven at the Pearly Gates to be met by St Peter."What are you doing here?" he asks, "We`ve got no record of you. Just wait here while I check with The Boss"So off he goes to check with God who tells him to go back and ask them how they died.A few minutes later he reports back to God, "They`ve gone""Gone?.. what all the Scousers?", queries God."No, the Gates" replies St Peter.
• Sherlock Holmes, the great detective, and his faithful companion, Dr. Watson, go on holiday in the south of France, camping. On the first night, Holmes nudges Watson in his sleeping bag, and wakes him. "Tell me, Watson, when you look up at the stars, what do you see? What does the night sky tell you?"Thinking it to be some kind of riddle, or personality test, Watson thinks for a moment, before answering. "Meteorologically, the sky tells me it is a clear, cloudless night, and the weather will be fine for the next day. Astronomically, Venus has entered the House of the Moon, while Astrologically, it appears that Capricorns should not attempt any personal upheaval this month, but Sagittariuses can expect a windfall to come their way. Religiously, it tells me that the Lord has worked long and hard to create the best world he can, and philosophically it makes me feel very small in a massive universe." At this, he turned to Holmes and smiled, saying "What does it tell you?""It tells me, my dear Watson, that some swine has pinched our tent!"
• My mate Sid was a victim of I.D. theft.He"s just called S now.
• I was in London yesterday when I saw Sting. I said, "Hey, you"re Sting! I"ve got all your records!"I"d love to see his face when he gets home and realises I"ve burgled him.
• Andrew and Evan save up their money and decide to travel in a hot air balloon around the world.Several days into their trip Andrew says to Evan, "Aah, we"re flying over France!""How do you know that?" asks Evan."Easy! You can see the Eiffel Tower from up here!"It"s a few days later and, again, Andrew says to Evan, "We"re above America now!""How can you tell?" asks a puzzled Evan."Well if you look just there you can see the Statue of Liberty!"On their last day Andrew looks over and says, "Today we"re flying over Liverpool!"Evan looks as hard as he can but can see nothing on the ground that sticks out. Confused, he asks Andrew, "How the fuck can you know that?!"Andrew replies, "Because SOME CUNT"S NICKED MY WATCH!"
• A 60 year old woman is walking through the ghetto and a man snatches her purse and runs off. The woman mutters to herself: What? They don"t rape anymore?