Tesco jokes

• So far two bodies have been recovered from the fire at the Foster Family Mansion. Police are expecting to find at least one more as the local Tesco was offering 3 for the price of 2 on all barbeque items.
• Whilst travelling through Bristol the other day, I thought I would pop into the Tesco at Golden Hill. On arrival, I found there had been a incident in the car park, whereupon twenty Muslims had been knocked down and killed by a white supremicist.I though to myself:Every little helps.
• In Britain, some 50 chavs die every week from drinking too much Tesco-brand vodka.Every little helps!
• What does the French Rugby team and a guy who bought Tesco value range Viagra have in common?They both had potential but only managed a semi.
• Did you hear about the tesco van running over a family of 4 pakis?Every little helps!
• A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can"t believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving."Excuse me do I know you?" he asks."Yes, I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says.The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says, "Fucking hell, are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate whipped me, and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?""No," she replies, "I"m your son"s English teacher!"
• Some kid was playing up and being a right twat in Tesco, so his dad gave him a smack, so this German woman comes over and tapped the dad on the shoulder and said "In my country we don"t smack our children", He replied "Well, in our country we don"t gas our jews"
• What is the difference between a football and a three year old?You don"t feel the urge to kick footballs in Tesco.
• A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with hertwo kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through theentrance.The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children you"ve got there. Are they twins?"The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren"t, you fucking idiot! The oldest, he"s nine and the younger one, she"s seven. Why the hell would you think they"re twins...? Do you really think they look alike, you fucking dickhead?""Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can"t believe anyone would shag you twice!"
• Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor.""Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it.""Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?""Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied."What Happened?" inquired the pastor."My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there.""You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church." stated the pastor."That"s OK," said the young man, "we"re not welcome at Tesco anymore either."
• Last mothers day, Tesco had a competition to find the best mother from all its customers.Somehow I don"t think the slogan they decided to use, "Enter your mother today", was that well thought out.
• Tiger Woods has said sorry for his remark that, "He played like a spaz" in the US Open.A spokesman for the Spastics Society said, "We all make mistakes. Even I once walked out of Tesco"s without paying for a newspaper that was in the bottom of the trolley and I said to Tiger, "I thought that I had behaved like a thieving black bastard."
• I was in a 24-hour Tesco recently, and it was amazing just how many different races are employed there. Outside the door there were a couple of Chinese cleaners having a fag. At the entrance there was a West Indian security guard reading the Sun. I noticed a couple of staff members chatting to each other in Polish. Near the drinks there was a Pakistani leaning on stock -- he was in the process of unloading, chatting away on his mobile phone. I asked a manager, who was pacing the aisles, where the bacon was, and he responded in a deep Irish accent. Then it hit me... despite these people"s worldwide origins and the fact that they were of many different cultures and faiths, there was something similar about them all -- a "uniting force" so to speak: none of the idle bastards were doing any work.