Taxi jokes

• As a way to encourage fans backing, due to their terrible start to the season, Tottenham have arranged free transport for their entire away support travelling to Newcastle on Wednesday night.Apparently the taxi will leave White Hart Lane at 2pm..
• My Dad was a taxi driver and he died peacefully in his sleep......Unlike his passengers, who died screaming.
• How do you know when petrol prices are at their highest?London taxi drivers start to take the shortest route.
• A drunk staggers into the back of a taxi.He leans towards the driver and says,"excuse me,have you got room for a lobster and 3 bottles of wine on your front seat?""I think so,"says the driver"Good," replies the drunk,and throws up.
• A man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the pavement before stopping just inches from a lamppost.After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I"m sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!""Sorry. I didn"t realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says."It"s not your fault," replies the cabbie."Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse."
• An old hooker in a taxi that can"t pay fare, lifts her skirt and shows her fanny and says "Can I pay you with this?" Taxi driver says "You got anything smaller.."
• A couple was going out for the evening. They"d gotten ready, all dolled-up , dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives and as they start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don"t want the dog shut in, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He"s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her out in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"
• A man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, when they started kissing, and then one thing led to another, but then the girl quickly stopped him and said "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I"m actually a prostitute and I charge £20 for sex,"The man just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, he just sat in the driver"s seat looking out the window."Why aren"t we going anywhere?" asked the girl."Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I"m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is £25."
• A man was sat in the back of a taxi when suddenly he felt a bump in the road. Two seconds later he felt another bump."What"s going on?" he asked the taxi driver."Oh, don"t worry, I just ran over a Paki.""But I felt two bumps.""Yeah, I had to mount the kerb first."
• A taxi driver in Manchester was sat in his cab, hands down his pants, doing a routine testicular cancer check, when a gorgeous girl with great big boobs climbed in."How much to Oldham?" she enquired.He said; "You can hold "em for nowt, love, if I can hold yours as well!"
• A Scotsman gets a taxi to take him and his girlfriend home.She"s so beautiful...... He can barely keep his eyes on the meter!!