- How do you know your a member of the Taliban?When you use your bare left hand to wipe your arse, but you think bacon is unclean!!
- Why is everyone so angry in Afghanistan?Because of the telly ban.
- 6.00: G-Had TV. Morning prayers. 8.30: Talitubbies. Talitubbies say "Eh-oh". Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher. 9.00: Shouts of Praise.More prayers. 10.00: The Apprentice.Ten young Muslims complete a variety of tasks each week - one of them will be recruited by prominent Islamist leader Muqtada al-Sadr into a top position in the Mahdi Army.11.00: Jihad"s Army. The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels. 12.00: Ready, Steady, Jihad! Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday objects. 12.30: Panoramadan. The programme reports on America"s attempts to take over the world. 13.30: Xena. Modestly dressed housewife Xena stays at home and does some cooking. 14.00: Only Fools and Camels. Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers to Hamas. 14.30: Green Peter. The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle top appeal is revealed. 15.00: Madrasah Challenge. Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambah Kaskhain asks the questions. "Starter for ten, no praying." 15.30: I Love 629. A look back at the events of the year, including the Prophet"s entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols. 16.00: Question Time. Members of the public face questions from political and religious leaders. 16.30: Countdown.Can the American prisoners defuse the bomb in their cell before the timer runs down?17.00: Koranation Street. Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery. 17.30: Middle-East Enders. The entire cast is jailed for unislamic behaviour. 18.00: Holiday. The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again. 18.30: Top of the Prophets. Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week running? 19.00: Who wants to be a Mujahadin? Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions. Will contestants phone a mullah, go "inshallah", or ask the Islamic council? 20.00: FILM: Shariah"s Angels. The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to expose an evil scheme to educate women. 21.30: Big Brother. Who will be taken out of the house and executed this week? 22.00: Imam Ted.Sitcom about three imams who live on a tiny island in the Persian Gulf. This week, Imam Dhuga"il accidently burns down the mosque, while Imam Jakh is stoned to death for drinking alcohol. 22.30: Shahs in their Eyes. More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the infidel. 23.30: They think it"s Allah over. Quiz culminating in the "Don"t feel the Mullah" round. Midnight: When Imams Attack. Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The filmers were also secretly shot. 00:.30: The West Bank Show. Arts programme looking at anti-Israel graffiti art in the occupied territories. 01.30: Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer. 02.00: A book at bedtime. The Koran. Again.
- An Arab has been found dead at the bottom of Michael Barrymore"s swimming pool.Apparently it was a suicide bummer.
- Finally Al Jazeera have launched there new TV channel to be called Taliban TV - programmes are to include:1) Middle - Eastenders2) I"m a terrorist get me out of here!3) Ready, Steady Bang4) Pimp my Camel5) Only Paki"s on CamelsAnd there X.X.X. Rated program called "show us your face..!"
- Famous Last Words:"I say, Dodi, isnt that Camilla and Charles in that white Fiat Uno?""Its not loaded. Look.""Mugabe? No, I voted for Tsvangirai.""Free Tibet!""Im afraid you"ve had a wasted trip, Dr Shipman. I feel fine now.""Im telling you, that Reggie Kray is a big fat poof.""I invented the Atkins diet. Another doughnut isnt going to kill me.""Prime Minister, would you sign my backpack?"
- Prince Harry has announced that he will be returning to the frontline and has raised fears about his security.The Taliban has released a statement saying they won"t bother trying to attack him as he has a bad enough life being ginger.