Swimming jokes

• Apparently Rebecca Adlington has been offered a place in the U.S.A national swimming team. She was given a few feathers and asked to pose as an eagle.
• What do you call a paralymic swimmer?Bob
• The swimming pool: where erectile dysfunction really pays for itself.
• Mummy. Mummy are you sure this is how to learn to swim? Shut up and get back in the sack!
• I was watching British Paralympic swimming gold medalist Eleanor Simmons being interviewed on TV today.This girl is only thirteen-years-old and, despite suffering from dwarfism, she has risen to the challenge and achieved more than many able-bodied athletes will do in their entire careers.Unfortunately this early success seems to have affected her personality... ...as she has clearly become very big-headed.
• I learnt to swim at a very early age. When I was three my parents used to row me out to sea in a little boat until they got about a mile or so away from the shore - then I had to swim back.I quite liked the swim - it was getting out of the sack that was difficult.
• A bloke knocked my front door today....said he was collecting for the local swimming pool......so i gave him two buckets of water.
• I live in a mainly Muslim community and I"m really fed up with the politically correct bollocks around here. My local pub had to change its name from The Flying Pig, nobody speaks English in any shop you go in and you can barely cook a bacon sarnie without upsetting some Pakistani or another!So I was so happy to see my local swimming pool fighting back, and ruining their fun for a change. It had big sign on the wall stating:STRICTLY NO BOMBING
• Swimming is good for you....especially if you"re drowning.
• Michael Phelps should do even better in the 2012 Olympics, seeing as he"ll soon have the whole of New Orleans to practice in.
• What"s blue and orange and floats in the sea?A baby with shit armbands.what"s green and orange and lives on the bottom of the sea?same baby two weeks later
• Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as possible." "If this doesn"t work, beat the shark with your stump."
• Part 1:What"s yellow and blue, and sits at the bottom of a swimming pool?A baby with slashed arm bands.Part 2:What pink, red and yellow, and floats on top of a swimming pool?Arm bands with a slashed baby.
• Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they"re all in the pool The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I"ve spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some twat puts a swimming cap on me!"