Swim jokes

• Why are there no decent Mexicans in the Olympics?Because anyone that can run, jump or swim is already in the States
• An English cat called "One two three" and a French cat called "Un deux trois" are arguing over which cat is the best swimmer, so they decide to have a race over the English channel and, of course, the English cat won, because the Un deux trois cat sank!
• The wife"s not speaking to me, all because I wouldn"t open the car door for her...it"s not my fault, I just fucking panicked and swam to the surface!
• Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren"t for me. They are for my brother he"s four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can"t do either one."
• My wife said she was bored this morning so I said "Fancy going to the coast and having a swim?"She said "It"s fucking minus 2 out there - I"ll freeze to death or drown!"I said "Fancy going to the coast and having a swim?"
• Paddy was driving down the road in Dublin when all of a sudden he notices somebody in a field of corn to his right in a rowing boat. So he pulls up, gets out and shouts over "You there, what"s your name and what the bejesus are ya doing in a boat in a field of corn?" The man casually replies, "Me name"s Paddy, and I"m rowing me boat, what does it look like I"m doin"?You know what," said Paddy, "Its people like yaself who give us Irish a bad name, why I"d beat you up meself right now only I can"t swim"
• THE WELSH:They"re just the Irish that couldn"t swim............
• Me and my mate was coming home from pub tonight (bit under the weather you could say). when he fell into a lake. He started flapping his hands about screaming "Help me, I can"t swim."I shout back "Well neither can I, but I don,t go around making a fucking fuss over it."
• Why don"t they let Pakis swim in the sea?Because they can"t get the smell out of the fish.
• Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face.Dave says, "John, what are you so happy for?""Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin" my boat, just waxin" my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She says, "Can I have a ride in your boat?" I said "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said "It"s either screw or swim!" She couldn"t swim, Dave. She couldn"t swim!"The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says, "What are you happy about today John?""Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin" my boat, just waxin" my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She said "Can I have a ride in your boat?" I told her "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, "It"s either screw or swim!" She couldn"t swim, Dave! She couldn"t swim!"A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin" over a beer.Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?""Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin" my boat, just waxin" my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave. Tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says, "Can I have a ride in your boat?" So I said, "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said "It"s either screw or swim!" She pulled down her pants and..." He paused and took a big gulp of beer. "She had a dick, Dave! She had this great BIG dick! ... and I can"t swim Dave! I can"t swim!"