Swearing jokes

• For years I thought my dad suffered from Tourettes.Turns out he just thought I was a fucking cunt.
• The dying thoughts of a 9/11 victim:Is it a bird...?Is it a plane...?OH SHIT, IT IS A PLANE!!!!
• I got a Charity appeal letter from the Tourettes Society today.Apparently for just two pounds a week I can sponsor a child to fuck off you stupid cunt pissflapping bastard..
• The other day I got into a fight with this tough guy called Dave. I fought as best as I could but he was just too strong. He gave me a broken jaw, knocked four of my teeth out and I had a few cracked ribs. To make it worse his mate Jim was standing there shouting out expletives, calling me a pussy and a cocksucker and slapping my face and all sorts. It was horrible.I fucking hate having Multiple Personality Disorder.
• I was at my nan"s house and she doesn"t like swearing. I said, "crap" and she told me to put 20p in the swear jar. "I only have a pound," I told her, but she had no change. I threw in the pound anyway and said, "shit, you fucking bitch, take it all you thieving cunt."
• I tried to join a support group for people with Tourette"s Syndrome, but they told me to fuck off...
• A seven-year-old and a four-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom."You know what?" says the seven-year-old, "I think it"s about time we started swearing."The four-year-old nods his head in approval,so the seven-year-old says, "when we go downstairs for breakfast, I"m gonna swear first, then you swear after me, okay?""Okay" the four-year-old, agrees with enthusiasm.The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the seven-year-old what he wants for breakfast."Oh, shit mum, I don"t know, I suppose I"ll have some Coco Pops."WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.She looked at the four-year-old and asked with a stern voice, "and what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?""I don"t know," he blubbers, "but it won"t be fucking Coco Pops!"
• I"ve got tourettes, I swear.
• Johnny had a swearing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him and if Johnny swore he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift. So two days before Christmas Johnny"s dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, "I want a fucking teddy-bear laying right fucking here beside me when I fucking wake-up Christmas morning. Then when I go downstairs I want to see a fucking train going around the fucking tree, and when I go outside I want to see a fucking bike leaning up against the fucking garage."On Christmas morning Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a fucking dog but I can"t find the bastard”.
• Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father." "The teacher asked, "How much is 2x3?" I said 6," replied BILLY. "But that"s right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me, "How much is 3x2?"" "What"s the FUCKING! difference?" asks the father? "That"s what I said!"
• A judge asks a surly defendant if he has anything to say for himself. The defendant mutters, "fuck all.""What did you say?" asks the judge. The court clerk turns to the judge and says, "the defendant said, "fuck all", your honour.""Really?" replies the judge, "I could have sworn I saw his lips move."
• When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle"s prized Amazon parrot. This parrot was fully grown -- with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren"t expletives were, to say the very least, extremely rude.Bill tried hard to change the bird"s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music -- anything he could think of to try and set a good example... nothing worked. Exasperated, he yelled at the bird. But the bird just got louder. Then he shook the parrot. But the bird just got more angry and more rude.Finally, in a moment of desperation, Bill put the parrot in the freezer.For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming... Then, suddenly, all was quiet. Bill was frightened that he might have hurt his dead uncle"s prized parrot and quickly opened the freezer door.The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bill"s extended arm and said, "I am truly sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I humbly ask your forgiveness. I will now, from this day forth, endeavour to correct my behaviour so that such an ill-perceived outburst never again occurs."Bill was completely astonished at the bird"s change in attitude and was about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
• A couple have two kids.The chap"s company make him area sales manager - it is more money, but involves stays away from home.He comes back from a week at a sales conference one day, walks in and says, "I want to fuck you senseless."His wife goes, "Shush, not in front of the kids - we have to be more responsible! How about saying "I"ve got some washing to do since I"ve been away"?"The husband agreed agreed. Two weeks later, he"s back from a trip and says, "I"ve got some washing to do.""Fine. Just a minute," says his wife, "I"m feeding the kids."Two hours later she says, "I can do your washing now.""No need, it was only a small load so I did it by hand."