Supermarket jokes

• Where do people with learning difficulties shop?SPASDA
• What is it with all the supermarkets asking you to take your old bag shopping ?I tried it the other day and the fucking bitch spent a fortune.
• This Indian bloke walks into this supermarket and ask the attendant what kind of toilet paper they have for sale. The attendant shows him three brands. The first brand is called Kleenex and costs two pounds for two rolls, the second brand is Sorbent and costs one pound for two rolls and the third brand is a no name brand and costs fifty pence for five rolls. The Indian says, "Five rolls for fifty pence, that is cheap - think of the Vindaloos I can have."So the Indian buys the no name toilet paper and leaves. The next day he returns to the store and finds the attendant and says to him, "I still have got four toilet rolls left, but I have found a name for your toilet roll."The attendant looked confused when he said that and asked him to explain.The Indian says, "You should call it John Wayne toilet paper!"The attendant said, "Why John Wayne?"And the Indian replies, "Because it was rough, tough and took no shit!
• A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I"ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked."Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere."
• A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce. The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter.Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some tosser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?""Originally from Essex sir," the boy replied."Why did you leave Essex?" the manager asked.The boy answered, "Sir, there"s nothing but whores and footballers there.""Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Essex.""No shit!" the boy replied. "Who does she play for?"
• I went to my local supermarket and they offered me a "bag for life" - I said "No thanks, I"m already married."
• I was standing in a queue at a supermarket checkout with my young son and in front of us is a huge fat woman.Suddenly she gets a text message and her mobile phone starts bleeping."Look out," shouts my son, "she"s reversing!"
• David Beckham, when not playing football that day, decides to go horse riding.Although he has no previous experience, he skillfully mounts the horse and appears in complete control as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.Victoria watches him admiringly.After a while, David becomes a little too casual and begins to lose his grip in the saddle. He panics and grabs the horse round it"s neck and calls for it to stop.Victoria screams and shouts for someone to help.David slips completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground because he is still clutching the horse"s neck.David decides his best chance is to leap away, but his foot becomes entangled in the stirrup.David"s head is now banging along the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Victoria is really starting to panic now, and screams at the top of her voice.Hearing her screams, one of the supermarket security guards comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.
• Two lions walking down a supermarket aisleOne turns to the other and says "Quiet in here today, isn"t it?"
• I remember my daddy saying to me, "Sue, daddy"s got to go shopping, okay?"I was twelve before I realised that I didn"t have a supermarket up my cunt.
• A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a 10 pence piece. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.A well dressed, attractive, but serious- looking woman in a bluebusiness suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market, reading hernewspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy"s testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the money to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I"ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?""No," the woman replies, "I work for the Inland Revenue"