Suicide jokes

• Natasha Collins and Mark Speight really were the perfect couple....One was steaming hot, the other was well hung!
• Just a mere coincidence that the abbreviation for the war against terror is T.W.A.T? I think not.
• I hear Karen Matthews is on suicide watch.You have to feel sorry for the poor sod who has to look at her every 15 minutes.
• A teenager in Bridgend was saved from serious injury when he fell 30 feet from a balcony this morning. A police spokesman said -Good job he had that rope around his neck or he would have broken his legs-.
• I had a mate who was suicidal.He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.He was chuffed to bits.
• Why did Hitler commit suicide?He got the gas bill.
• Suicide bombers have today attacked Bradford city centre. Early estimates suggest they may have caused thousands of pounds worth of improvements.
• I phoned the Islamic Samaritans today.When I said I was feeling suicidal they got all excited and asked if I knew how to fly a plane.
• A man went into a library and asked for a book on suicide.The librarian said "Fuck off, you won"t bring it back."
• A Muslim dies and finds himself in front of St Peter at the gates of heaven."Hey, what"s going on here? Where am I?" he asks St Peter."Welcome to the afterlife," St Peter replies."No, no this isn"t right. I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed, right away.""Would you like a capuccino?" asks St Peter."No! I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed," replies the Muslim."Well, you can talk to Jesus if you want," says St Peter, and goes off to find him."Jesus, I don"t understand what"s going on here," the Muslim says. "I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed.""Would you like a capuccino?""No, I want to speak to the prophet! Now.""Well, you can talk to God if you like", says Jesus. This appears acceptable to the Muslim and off they go. Jesus lets the Muslim into a big room and leaves him. After a few moments there is a puff of smoke and God appears."Yes, what seems to be the problem here?" booms God.The muslim is very worked up by now. "Look, I don"t get what"s happened here, I want to talk to the prophet Mohammed!""Would you like a capuccino?""Okay, okay," says the Muslim, "I"ll have a fucking capuccino - now will someone please let me speak to the prophet Mohammed.""Two cappuccinos, Mohammed," says God.
• Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pintof goat"s milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and startsflipping through pictures and they start reminiscing."This is my oldest son Mohammed. He"s 24 years old now.""Yes, I remember him as a baby," says the other mother cheerfully."He"s a martyr now though," mum confides."Oh so sad dear," says the other."And this is my second son Khalid. He"s 21.""Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born"."He"s a martyr too," says mum quietly."Oh gracious me ...." says the other."And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He"s 18," she whispers."Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school"."He"s a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.After a pause and a deep sigh, the second muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says... "They blow up so fast, don"t they?"
• This site was recently visited by someone from Bridgend who was shocked at the jokes about her former classmates. Reading her words, I felt so sad for her.Imagine being so unpopular that you don"t even get invited to a mass suicide?
• I heard on the news today that flat chested women have a 50% higher suicide rate than women with naturally big boobs.This isn"t a joke I just wanted to share the great news!