Suck jokes

• A recent survey found that 3% of blokes could suck their own cocks.What a load of rubbish. I mean, if you could suck your own cock, when would you find the time to take part in surveys?
• I saved a girl from being brutally raped last night.I made her suck me off instead.
• Paddy and Murphy need a drink! They pool their money, but only have 50 pence..Paddy takes all the cash into the butchers and buys a sausage..They enter a bar and order 2 Guinness and drink them. When the barman asks for cash Paddy puts the sausage into his fly and Murphy sucks it!! The barman throws them out!! at the 10th pub Murphy said "I can`t do this much anymore, my knees are hurting, Paddy replies " your knees? I lost the sausage in the second pub!"
• A wise man once said, "you should treat your women the way you treat your vacuum cleaner - when it stops sucking, change the bag."
• A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "You won"t believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had sex over and over again. All the positions; everything!"His friend replies, "That"s great! Did you get a blowjob?""No, I never found the head."
• What are the small bumps around a woman"s nipples for?It"s Braille for "suck here".
• A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we"re going up to our room for a little while."Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom. "Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts for sucking our thumbs."
• A man was shopping in the men"s department at Harrods when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter. He went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam." She smiled pleasantly and asked "And what would you like?" The man said, "I"d like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet pussy, I"d like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth and then suck on your beautiful breasts and bite your nipples lightly...What I ""need"" is a new tie!"
• I was on the tube this morning sat next to a woman with a baby.She said, "Do you mind if I breast feed?"I said, "No, but don"t suck my nipple too hard".
• The day that Microsoft creates a product that doesn"t suck is the day that they venture into the vacuum cleaner industry