St peter jokes

• I had these two blokes knock on my door today so I kept them talking while my Girlfriend nicked their wallets.Lets see if fucking Jehovah witnessed that.
• Jesus said to Peter "Come forth and I will give you eternal glory." Peter came fifth and won a toaster!
• Ten Liverpudlians arrive in heaven at the Pearly Gates to be met by St Peter."What are you doing here?" he asks, "We`ve got no record of you. Just wait here while I check with The Boss"So off he goes to check with God who tells him to go back and ask them how they died.A few minutes later he reports back to God, "They`ve gone""Gone?.. what all the Scousers?", queries God."No, the Gates" replies St Peter.
• Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"
• A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"The man says, "Church of England."St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?""Catholic.""Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?""Jewish.""Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."The next man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"St. Peter tells him, "The Jehovah"s Witnesses are in room 8, they think they"re the only ones here."
• Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I"m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she"s gone.The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she"s gone.The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says."Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I"m sorry, but that name just doesn"t ring a bell."The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the "Sahara Pipeline" that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
• One day, the Lord decided to make a companion for Adam. He summoned St. Peter and told him of his decision. He told St. Peter that he wanted to make a being who was similar to man, yet was different, and could offer him comfort; companionship and pleasure. The Lord said he would call this being woman. So St. Peter went about creating this being which was similar to man yet was different in ways that would be appealing and could provide physical pleasure to man. When St. Peter had finished creating this being who could now be called woman he summoned The Lord."Ah, St. Peter, once again you have done an excellent job", said The Lord."Thank You, O Great One" replied St. Peter."I am now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings and senses to this being, this woman. I require your assistance on this matter O Lord.”"You shall make her brain, slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more feeling, more compassionate, and more adaptable than man"s", said The Lord."The nerve endings, said St. Peter. "How many will I put in her hands?""How many did we put in Adam?", asked The Lord."Two hundred, Oh Mighty One", replied St. Peter."Then we shall do the same for this woman", said The Lord."And how many nerve endings shall we put in her feet", enquired St. Peter."How many did we put in Adam?,” asked The Lord."Seventy five, Oh Mighty One", replied St. Peter."Ah yes, these beings are constantly on their feet so they benefit from having fewer nerve endings there, do the same for woman", said The Lord."How many nerve endings should we put in woman"s genitals", enquired St. Peter."How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord."Four hundred and twenty, O Mighty One", replied St. Peter."Of course, we did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn"t we? Do the same for woman", said The Lord."Yes, O Lord", said St. Peter."No, wait." said The Lord. "Fuck it, give her ten thousand, I want her to scream out my name."
• 3 men die on Xmas eve,to get into heaven St Peter says"you must have something on you that represnts Xmas"the Englishman flicks on his lighter and says its a candle,St Peter lets him pass,Welsh man pulls out a set of keys and jinglesthem and says they are bells,St Peter lets him pass, the Irish man pulls outa G string and St Peter says how the fuck do they represent Xmas!!Paddy says they"re CAROLS!!
• God wanted to have a holiday so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on where to go."Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter."No, too much gravity, too much stomping around" said God."Well how about Mercury?""No, its too hot there""Okay," said St. Peter "What about Earth?""No" said God "They"re such horrible gossips. When I was there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they"re still talking about it"
• Fred West is at the pearly gates. St Peter addresses him "Sorry mate I think there"s been a bit of a mix up, you should be at the other end if you get what I mean, have a seat while I sort things out. While you waiting would you like a drink?"Fred West goes "You know, I could murder some Tennants...."