- This is a visual joke. . .Get a shoe or boot and blow cigarette smoke into it. What is it?? An Israeli waiting for a bus!
- It"s my mate"s birthday today. He doesn"t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus.We"ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
- A man goes in to his doctors surgery and asks, "Doctor, do you think I will live until I"m 100?"The doctor asks, "Do you drink, smoke or do drugs?" The man replies, "No". The doctor then asks, "Do you like to sleep around with women, and go out partying?" The man replies, "No, I don"t."The doctor then asks, "Well, why the fuck do you want to live until you"re 100 then?"
- A man comes home drunk in the early hours of the morning, his wife was angry and waiting at the door.She says, "Out drinking again!? How much did you spend this time?"He says, "£200."She shouts, "Two hundred fucking quid?. That"s ridiculous, spending so much money in one night!"He says, "That"s easy for you to say: you don"t smoke, you don"t drink, and you have your own pussy."
- How do you know if you"re an Aussie?You let your 15 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
- My wife"s just smoked my last fag......and hers
- Two male firefighters are having sex in a smoke filled room. Their chief bursts in through the door and says, "holy fuck, what are you two guys up to?"One of the firefighters looks up and says, "John"s suffering from smoke inhalation, sir!"The chief says, "well, why aren"t you administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?""I did sir," replies the firefighter. "How the fuck do you think this got started?"
- An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman all get done for armed robbery, rape and murder. The Judge sentences them to fifty years in prison. However, the Judge allows the condemmened three to each pick one "luxury" item that they can have in endless quantities.The Englishman thinks for a while. "I choose women." So off he goes to his cell with a few beautiful young girls.The Scotsman says, "Whisky!" So off he goes with gallons of the stuff.The Irishman grins and says, "I want cigarettes." And he gets his wish.Fifty years later the cells are opened up and the men released.First, the englishman, who appears knackered, with a trail of wives and kids behind him.Next the door to the Scotsman cell is opened. It reeks of stale piss and whisky and the Jock is singing wildly, trashed off his face.The third cell is opened and the Irishman sticks his head out and says, "Has anybody got a light?"
- A guy travelling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian approached him and said, "now listen buddy, if you don"t stop calling me that I"ll kick your head in!"