Sick jokes

• I work for the Samaritans. I tried to call in sick this morning but the fuckers talked me out of it.
• Why did Michael Jackson check into the rehab clinic?To cure his 10 year old crack habit.
• Why is being breast fed like the terrorist attacks of 9/11?Because at the time it was really enjoyable, although you would never admit it.
• One of the things I really miss about my wife is the smell of her cooking.I have to admit though, she did taste rather nice along with the roast veg.
• Tourists to Portugal have been warned it can be very expensive eating out. In some places a meal can cost as much as a small child.
• My dick is like a school sports day; the more disabled the child, the harder it gets.
• I went home from work early today and found the plumber shagging my dog.I phoned the police and they said there was nothing they could do.They said the bastard was Corgi Registered.
• I don"t agree with Vodafone"s advertising campaign.It states "Be part of the worlds largest mobile community"Now correct me if I"m wrong but that"s the Gypsies!
• It looks like karma exists; Jade Goody got cancer for making racist comments on TV.It makes you wonder what"s going to happen to us sick bastards?
• What are the top 25 rejected children’s book titles?1. Daddy drinks because you cry2. Garfield gets feline leukemia3. What is that dog doing to that other dog?4. How to dress sexy for grownups5. Why can’t Mr. fork and Mrs. Electrical outlet be friends?6. You were a mistake7. Strangers Have the Best Candy 8. The Little Sissy Who Snitched9. Some Kittens Can Fly! 10. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her 11. The Children"s Guide to Hitchhiking 12. Dad"s New Wife John13. POP! Goes the Hamster...and Other Great Microwave Games 14. 101 Fun games to Play in the Road 15. Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear 16. The Little Golden Book of Electrical Wiring 17. Creatures Under The Bed: A Bedtime Story18. Making Grown-Up Friends On The Internet19. Chemistry from Under the Kitchen Sink20. That’s it; I’m Putting You Up for Adoption21. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator22. Your Nightmares Are Real23. Where Would You Like to be Buried?24. Timmy’s The Wrong Colour To Be Your Friend25. I Dare You! 101 Challenges To Prove You’re Not A Sissy
• What does a 9 volt battery and a woman"s arse hole have in common?You know it"s wrong, but nevertheless you will end up touching it with your tongue!
• What"s the difference between a cancer victim and an AIDS victim ?You don"t get sick after raping a cancer victim.
• The 7 dwarfs are all excited as the new pope is visiting fairy story land.All week they nudge Dopey sniggering "Well you can finally ask your question!", to which Dopey replies every time "Shurrup willya!"Finally the day arrives and all the dwarfs are lined up with the other characters from the Snow White story, he shakes hands with the evil Queen, then Snow White then slowly makes his way down the line of the dwarfs.As he approaches Dopey theres a small chant which gets louder and louder "Ask him.ask him...ask him ASK HIM>!""Ask me what?" Questions the pope.The dwarfs shove Dopey forward "ASK HIM!","What would you like to know?", says his holiness."Well", begins Dopey, "Are any of your nuns black?""Hm" ponders the pope "As a religion we catholics don"t differentiate between creed so its more than probable that quite a few of our nuns are black . Does that answer your question?"ASK HIM!! shout the dwarfs."Is there more to your question young man?""Erm......do any of your nuns work in Antarctica?""well young man we have nuns all around the globe so its more than likely that we have a couple in Antarctica. Does that answer your question?"ASK HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yell the dwarfs!"Is there more to this question?" asks the pope now getting more than annoyed."Erm..................................are any of these black nuns in Antarctica dwarfs?!"WHAT"! Splutters the pope."I"m sure if we had a black dwarf nun in Antarctica i would have heard of it. So in answer to your question NO!"All the dwarfs collapse on the floor pissing themselves laughing."DOPEY SHAGGED A PENGUIN!! DOPEY SHAGGED A PENGUIN!!"
• The Government today have started printing pictures of dead people and smokers" lungs on packets of cigarettes to deter people.I"m not a smoker, but I think I will start just so I can collect the set.