Shot jokes

• FACTThere has been a monthly average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theater of operations during the last 22 months and a total of 2,112 deaths. That gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.The firearm death rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000 persons for the same period.That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in the U.S. Capital than you are in Iraq.Conclusion: Maybe its time the U.S. pull out of Washington?
• An inquest into the death of a Palestinian man shot dead by the Israeli secret service has recorded a verdict of death by mossad venture.
• When Saddam Hussein was found guilty he was originally sentenced to be shot. His last request was to name his own firing squad: He chose Lampard, Gerrard and Carragher from 12 yards
• Ah well, looks like the Dunblane youngster missed out on the big shot once again.
• Which artist had five consecutive hits in one day?John Lennon
• Why do black people make bad cowboys?Because every time there"s a hoe-down, they think their sister"s been shot.
• I was at home last week when I spotted 2 burglars in my garden shed.I phoned the police and was told that no squad car could get to my house for at least 20 minutes! I hung up and then 5 minutes later I rang back saying "There is no need for the squad car now, I"ve shot them both"!!!Within 2 minutes there were four squad cars and an fully armed response unit outside, and they caught the burglars red handed!When the chief came up to me he said "I thought you said you"d shot them"?To which I replied..."And I thought you said there were no police in the area"!!!!!
• My Uncle had his tongue shot off during World War II.He doesn"t talk about it, though.
• A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company"s fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn"t you say, at the scene of the accident, "I"m fine,"?" asked the Lawyer.Clyde responded, "Well, I"ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...""I didn"t ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I"m fine!"?"Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde"s answer and said to the lawyer, "I"d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad anddidn"t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you Feeling?""Now tell me, what the fuck would you say?"
• A young man from the city goes to visit his farmer uncleFor the first few days, the uncle shows him the usual things; chickens, cows, crops, etc. however, it"s obvious the nephew is getting bored so the uncle suggests he goes on a hunt."Why don"t you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"This cheers up the nephew and off he goes with the dogs in trail.after a few hours, the nephew returns "Did you enjoy it?" asks the uncle"It was great! got any more dogs?"
• There once was a farmer who had three daughters who were all going out on their first dates on the same night. The farmer, being protective of his daughters, decides to meet their suiters at the front door with a shotgun. The first date comes to the door and the father opens up and the lad says"Hi my name"s Joe,I"m here for Flo.We"re going to the show.Is she ready to go?"The father looks the guy over and sends the kids off on their date.Next lad arrives"My name"s Eddie,I"m here for Betty.We"re going to get some spaghetti.Is she ready?"The father felt this bloke was okay too so off the kids went.The final young man arrives and rings the bell and the farmer opens up. The boy started off"Hi my name"s Chuck"And the farmer shot him.
• John Lennon sang "All you need is love, love, love is all you need." Wonderful sentiment, but I can"t help feeling that he was rather naive. Had he the chance to re-write it I"m sure he would have added that at times a bullet proof vest is also essential.
• Decided to try some of that John Terry vodka the other day.Fucking hell, it"s strong stuff - your knees go after one shot!
• A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic bliss had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage“Well it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained the woman. “We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn’t gone too far when my mule stumbled. My husband quietly said, "that"s once". We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again. Once more he said quietly, "that’s twice". We hadn’t gone a half mile when the mule stumbled a third time. He promptly removed a gun from his pocket and shot the mule. Well, of course, I started to protest over his treatment of the mule. He looked at me and quietly said, "that’s once"..."