Shopping jokes

• What is it with all the supermarkets asking you to take your old bag shopping ?I tried it the other day and the fucking bitch spent a fortune.
• Credit Crunch...Shares Collapsing... Blood Bath in the City....Wall St... Struggling.... Gas & Electric Prices to all New Levels...Increase in Shopping Bills.Banks Folding... Global Warming...But on a more Positive Note.... They might be making Ghost Busters 3.
• I went shopping earlier today and when I got to the checkout my trolley was overflowing with stuff falling on the floor. Stood behind me was a little old lady with just a tin of peas and a few sausages in her basket.I said, "is that all you"ve got, love?"Her little face lit up and said, "yes dear." I replied, "well fuck off then, I"m gonna be ages!"
• What"s yellow and blue with a really tight cunt at one end?An Aldi bag.
• My mother"s a gullible old dear, so when she asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I wrote out a list.She spent hours at the shopping centre trying to find an air guitar, and a fanny magnet.But she wasn"t fooled at all by my request for the book; "French Military Victories."
• When people see me and my wife, they always think we"re so in love.I think it"s because we"re always holding hands. The thing is, if I let go, she shops.
• FA chief Brian Barwick is walking along the street when he sees an old lady struggling with several bags of shopping.He goes up to her and says, "excuse me, dear,can you manage?"The woman replies, "fuck off, I don"t want the England job."
• My son is three-years-old and I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket. Now, I didn"t buy it and he certainly didn"t buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre - and went to the jewellers.
• Two men are shopping in a supermarket when their trolleys collide. The first guy says, "sorry about that mate, I"m trying to find my wife!"The second guy says, "yeah, me too mate."The first guy says, "maybe I can help, what does she look like?"The second guy answers, "she"s tall, blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, great tits and a tight arse. What does yours look like?"The first guy replies, "never mind her, let"s find yours!"
• I bet you know someone like this:A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she"d be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. she decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop.She was jubilant!!Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband"s condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn"t you? I hope you"re proud of yourself! While you were out enjoying yourself for the past four hours in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit..........It"s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be probably be the last shopping trip you ever take ! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. ........... and you"ll now be his carer !" The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed........... The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I"m just pulling your leg. He"s dead. What did you buy?"
• A word of warning for those of you who may be regular B & Q customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get a few bits and pieces has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don"t be naive enough to think it couldn"t happen to you! Here"s how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windolene, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another B&Q or Wickes. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, and 24th. Also December 1st, 3rd, twice on the 7th, three times just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So, please be careful during these trying times.
• A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman who is shopping on Oxford Street and says, "I haven"t eaten anything in four days." She looks at him and says, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
• Poor eddie stobart the Haulage boss Has died like his Lorries limited to only 56