- You can call me sick if you want but, after my parents and wife died, the first thing I thought about was the next X-Factor audition.
- What has Jill Dando & the milkman got in common?They both leave 4 pints on the doorstep
- A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman find a wizard on the top of a tall cliff. The wizard orders them to jump off the cliff, but he also promises that if they say anything while falling, they will get it at the bottom of the cliff. So first, the Englishman jumps off the cliff and shouts, "Pillows!" and so he lands on some pillows. Then the Scotsman jumps off the cliff, and he shouts, "Hay!" and so he lands on some hay. Finally the Irishman runs to jump off the cliff, but he trips on a rock just before the jump and says, "Aw, shite!"
- Terrible news has just emerged from backstage at the X-Factor!!It"s going to be on again next week.
- So I was in Liverpool, having a shite in the public toilets. When a scouse voice in the next cubicle says;"Hey mate, there"s no loo roll in "ere. Pass us some through, will ya."So I unravelled a few sheets and passed them under the partition.The cheeky bastard stood on my hand and nicked my watch!
- The sperms had been having a frustrating time. Whenever they charged up the penis they had constantly been thwarted by condoms. Determined to fulfil their destiny, a sperm SAS unit was formed. The sperm-in-chief issued his orders. "The next assault will be led by troops carrying cutting gear. These troops will hack their way through the condom. The next group, assisted by the penis will widen this breach and clear a path for the main force. This, the main force will consist of every able bodied sperm in my command, and they will charge into the breach, rush the vaginal canal, and over power and fertilize every egg they encounter". Soon enough the signal for attack Arose . The sperms rushed to their battle stations, seized their weapons and charged up the penis. The plan went like clockwork. The assault party threw themselves onto the condom. Hacking, clawing and biting they tore a small gap. The word went back down the line, "Condom breached. Penis, ramming speed". The combined efforts of the widening party and the frenzied thrusts of the demented penis did the trick. "Follow me chaps" yelled the sperm-in-chief, and led the headlong charge through the condom"s ruptured defences, Sadly, it suddenly all went wrong. A terrible cry arose from the front ranks of the main party. " Get back get back, we have landed in the shite !!!.
- It"s true, we Yorkshire folk are really tight.I always have a shite at work to save money on toilet paper at home.
- BREAKING NEWS:Unconfirmed reports are coming in that a "dirty bomb" has been detonated in a Sunni district of Baghdad.An outsider is reported to have entered the area and blown himself up. When asked why they thought this was a dirty bomb rather than a typical suicide bombing, eyewitnesses said, "There was Shi"ite all over the place."
- An Arsenal fan and a Tottenham Hotspur fan went fishing along the river Thames one Saturday afternoon. The Tottenham fan asks, "how did the Yids get on today?""They lost...again," grinned the Arsenal fan."How do you know that when we are nowhere near a television?"The Arsenal fan checks his watch. "It"s 4:45pm, mate."