Shit jokes

• I got a job at a paperless office. Everything was great until I needed a shit.
• Top tip:Fill a whoopee cushion with brown sauce to make it look like the person who sat on it has followed through.
• Apparantly Greater Manchester and Lancashire County Councils are struggling with a costly sewage treatment and recycling facility. They should ask Peter Kay for help- he is an expert at making money by re-using old shit over and over again.
• I was walking in a cemetery this morning and I spotted a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning."He replied, "No, just having a shit."
• I"m one of those people that likes to read while I"m having a shit.This is also the reason why I"m banned from Waterstones.
• If Men Wrote Problem Pages...Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal. Q: My husband doesn"t know where my clitoris is. A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal. Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it"s a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you"re still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it. Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one. A: I"m not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you"ve forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
• What"s the difference between a black and a white fairytale? White begins, "once upon a time," black begins, "y"all motherfuckers ain"t gonna believe dis shit!"
• I keep hearing about all these Muslim teenagers being brainwashed. Well, at least that"s one part of their body that won"t smell.
• What"s brown and makes a mess of everything?The Prime Minister.
• Two old age pensioners are having a 69. After 5 minutes he says, "Sorry luv the smell"s too bad down there - I can"t carry on." "That"ll be my arthritis," she says. "What? I never heard of anyone having arthritis in their fanny before." "No," she says, "It"s in my arms and hands... I can"t wipe me arse."
• So I was taking a shit, and it was a real tough one. I had to strain and push to get it out I was sweating and even swearing. Then I got off the bus.