Shagging jokes

• My mother-in-law broke up my marriage.My wife caught us shagging.
• Sleeping with a married man is wrong. I would never do that... just ask my husband.
• I met my wife at a Singles Bar. Funny thing is, I thought she was at home looking after the kids.
• I was chatting to an old girlfriend on Facebook last night. We went on about all the good times we had and the unusual places we had shagged.She suggested we meet up and try and rekindle some of that joy. I explained that I was slightly older, greyer and a bit thicker round the waist than I used to be. She teased me a bit and said that was only expected after all these years.She said that she had even put on a few pounds herself.So I told the fat bitch to fuck off!
• One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
• My wife and her friend were having a conversation about how useless men are when my wife said, ".... they can`t do two things at once..."At this I interrupted and said, "Actually I can""Give me an example," she said."Well while I was fucking you last night I was thinking about your friend."
• My wife gave birth to a baby boy last week.I was pretty disappointed because I was hoping for a girl.I mean, I"m not really into gay stuff.
• My Daughter got in late from a party.I said to her, "I hope you"ve been good!"She said, "Good! If that fella I met was telling the truth, I was fucking fantastic!"
• A young married couple were sunning themselves on a nudist beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman"s vagina. The husband quickly covered her with his jacked, threw his clothes carried her to the car and raced to the hospital. After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached and suggested that the husband tried to entice it out by putting honey on the tip of his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp. The husband agreed but was so nervous that he couldn"t rise to the occasion. Then the doctor said,"If neither of you object I could give it a try."Under the circumstances both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, dipped his penis in honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor began thrusting forcefully and showed no signs of pulling out."Hey! What"s going on?" demanded the husband eventually."Change of plan," gasped the doctor. "I"m going to drown the little bastard!"
• What"s the difference between a washing machine and a 16 yr old girl?A washing machine does not follow you around for a fortnight saying it loves you after you"ve dumped your load in it!
• Steve comes home from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He runs upstairs only to burst in and find his best mate pumping away with Steve"s rather ugly wife. He looks at the pair in utter disgust before turning to his friend. "Honestly, Dave," he says. "I have to, but you?"
• A boy goes into the bathroom and starts pleasuring himself, forgetting that he hasn"t locked the door. In walks his Mum."Erm... I... erm...""That"s OK", says his Mum, "but this is how you should do it" and she demonstrates ... anyhow, they get so carried away that before you know it, they"re fully at it on the bathroom floor. When they finish, she says "you"re even better than your father" to which the son says,"yep, that"s what my sister said too".