Shag jokes

• When I was born I was given the choice of either being a really good shag or having a superb memory, so I erm... ah fuck it. I forgot what I was going to say.
• An Olympic sprinter, who was knocked out in the first heat, was being interviewed today saying it is ironic that after 4 months anticipation and a journey half way round the world the experience only lasted 11 seconds.Ironically, that is exactly how I felt after I travelled to Bangkok to shag a 12 year old.
• Why waste money on flowers trying to increase your odds of getting a shag, when you can just buy a gun and guarantee it?
• I went home from work early today and found the plumber shagging my dog.I phoned the police and they said there was nothing they could do.They said the bastard was Corgi Registered.
• Statistics say women think they are smarter than men because they can fake orgasms. Men say, "Big fucking deal, try faking a relationship just for a shag!"
• My wife caught me cheating on her again last weekend.She said, "every time you shag another women, a part of me dies."A few more shags should finish the job!
• Necrophilia! When you"re just sick of the fucking nagging.
• Shag: funny word isn"t it? To a smoker, it"s a type of tobacco; to an American, it"s a type of dance; to an ornithologist, it"s a bird; and, to you, it"s just a remote possibility.
• Michael Owen is in a nightclub. He spots a gorgeous young lady in there, and he goes up to her, squeezes her arse and asks her if she fancies a shag.She says: "Blimey, you"re a little forward, aren"t you?"
• A woman meets a guy in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she noticed that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall.It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put in to organizing the display.There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy bears, but doesn"t mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe this guy could be the one! Could he be the future father of my children?"She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss; the passion builds; and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other"s clothes and make hot, steamy love.She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,they lie there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."
• Little Johnny and Susie are only ten-years- old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie"s father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I"m asking for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only ten. Where will you two live?"Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies, "in Susie"s room. It"s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "okay then how will you live? You"re not old enough to get a job, You"ll need to support Susie."Again, Johnny instantly replies, "our allowance: Susie makes five pounds a week and I make ten pounds a week. That"s about sixty pounds a month, and that should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment, trying to come up with something that Johnny won"t have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says, "that won"t happen, she only lets me shag her up the arse."
• I"ve been married 35 years and have never played away from home. It"s much more exciting when there"s a chance the missus might walk in.