Sex jokes

• Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?Bit of both, this is a rape.
• Apparently 60% of kids are overweight, and 72% of kids are having underage sex......So who is shagging all the fat kids?
• Secrets to a Happy Marriage1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.and MOST important...4. It is important that these three women never meet.
• In a recent survey into blow jobs and why men liked them so much, 6% liked the feeling, 12% liked the excitement and 82% just liked the fucking silence.
• If you have sex with a prostitute without her permission, is it rape... or shoplifting?
• I lost my virginity to a retard last night... I always wanted my first to be special.
• A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.Johnny"s mother says, "Let"s not be too harsh on them... they"re bound to be curious about sex at that age.""Curious about sex?" replies Mary"s mother. "He"s taken her fucking appendix out!"
• A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "You won"t believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had sex over and over again. All the positions; everything!"His friend replies, "That"s great! Did you get a blowjob?""No, I never found the head."
• What do spinach and anal sex have in common?If you were forced to have it as a kid, you"ll hate it as an adult.
• "I"m a 14-year-old girl looking for a 45-55 year old man for online webcam fun. Email me: operationlolita@metpolice.uk"
• I don"t know what"s happening in this country. You"ve got school children dressing like whores and whores dressing like school children. It"s a nightmare - you don"t know whether to carry sweets or money.
• A married man was having an affair with his secretary.One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home."Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house."Darling, I can"t lie to you. I"ve been having an affair with my secretary and we"ve been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn"t wake up until eight o"clock."The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You"ve been playing golf!"
• My girlfriend said I"ve got the biggest cock she"d ever seen,That"s one of the benefits of going out with a 10 year old.
• When I was a teenager, I used to pray every night that the girl next door would fancy me so I could make love to her.When I grew up, I realised God didn"t work like that, so I raped her and prayed for forgiveness.