Sex change jokes

• I had a sex change last night...I tried my left hand instead.
• Why did the blonde have lipstick all over her steering wheel?She was trying to blow her horn.
• On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"
• After a hard one night stand of fucking, a man is lying with a girl cuddled up in his arms.She starts gently stroking his cock and he asks her, "Are you still horny?""No", she says, "I just really miss mine!"
• A man had just got out of hospital from a sex-change operation and (s)he was talking to the people (s)he knew before (s)he became a woman. "Did it hurt?" "No, not really, only the last bit.""Was that when they cut it off?""No, that didn"t hurt, it was the last bit." "Was that when they put the silicone bags in your chest?""No, it was just the last bit that hurt.""Well what was the last bit?""You know, the bit where they take half your brains out and make your mouth bigger. That was agony!"
• A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess darling, I was a hooker!".He says "That"s alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it".She replies "Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!".
• After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks."No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him."Your boyfriend, then?" he continues."No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured."No, no, no!!!" she answers."Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands."That"s me before the surgery."
• Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he"d first had sex."It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled."That sounds wonderful," said Jed."Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.""Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?""Baaaaa..."
• One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, and the third one"s arm was too short to reach.
• Hollywood Lessons:1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.2. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.3. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.4. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.5. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.7. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.8. You"re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.10. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.11. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.12. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.13. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they"re going to go off, but luckily you"ll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.14. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.