Screw jokes

• How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?Two. But how did they get in there?
• Marriage is like an MFI cabinet.One screw out of place and the whole fucking thing falls apart.
• What do you call a four year old with a severe learning disability?.....Sex Toy.
• A young man was in town looking for a little something from the ladies. A cab driver gave him an address and told him he could find anything he wanted there.When the young man arrived, he saw a door with a small panel on it. He knocked and the panel slid open. A female voice asked what he wanted."I want to get screwed," said the man."OK, but this is a private club. Slide twenty bucks in the slot as an initiation fee," answered the voice.The man slid twenty dollars in the slot, the panel closed, and ten minutes passed. Nothing happened.He began to pound on the door, and the panel slid open."Hey," exclaimed the man, "I want to get screwed!""What?" said the voice, "Again?"
• It"s the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby"s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Peggy Sue"s father answers and invites him in."Peggy Sue"s not ready yet, so why don"t you have a seat?" he says."That"s cool." says Bobby.Peggy Sue""s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.Peggy Sue"s father responds, "Why don"t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, "Whaaaat?""Yeah," says Peggy Sue"s father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she"ll screw all night if we let her!"Bobby"s eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night"s plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she"s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, "Have a good evening, kids!"About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: "Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It"s called the twist!!"
• A woman buys a wall mirror from B&Q. The attendant says "Would you like a screw for that?" She replies "No, but I"d suck your cock for a Lawnmower!"
• How many chavs does it take to screw in a light bulb?They don"t screw in light bulbs, they screw in pools of their own vomit.
• How many chavs does it take to screw in a light bulb? One; they"ll screw anything.
• What"s a wife?An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
• Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face.Dave says, "John, what are you so happy for?""Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin" my boat, just waxin" my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She says, "Can I have a ride in your boat?" I said "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said "It"s either screw or swim!" She couldn"t swim, Dave. She couldn"t swim!"The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says, "What are you happy about today John?""Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin" my boat, just waxin" my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She said "Can I have a ride in your boat?" I told her "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, "It"s either screw or swim!" She couldn"t swim, Dave! She couldn"t swim!"A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin" over a beer.Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?""Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin" my boat, just waxin" my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave. Tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says, "Can I have a ride in your boat?" So I said, "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said "It"s either screw or swim!" She pulled down her pants and..." He paused and took a big gulp of beer. "She had a dick, Dave! She had this great BIG dick! ... and I can"t swim Dave! I can"t swim!"