Scouser jokes

• What do you call a Scouser in a university?Caretaker
• Freezing temperatures in Liverpool this morning.Reports say it was so cold, a scouser was seen with his hands in his own pockets!
• A scouser walks into a job centre......only joking
• There are so many boarded-up houses in Liverpool, that the window cleaner goes round with a fucking sander.
• Man walks into a shop in LiverpoolMan: Can I have a pair of tights for my wife?Shop assistant: Certainly Sir, what size head are you?
• Why did audiences scream so loud at Beatles concerts?The shock of seeing four scousers working.
• I just had a go of the Liverpool version of MonopolyIts just like regular monopoly except every space says go to jail.
• What do you get if you combine a Polish person with a Scouser?Someone who steals all the jobs.
• Gillian Gibbons has said that her original 15 day prison sentence seemed harsh at the time, but to be released and deported to Liverpool was "Totally fucking undeserved!".
• How do you stop a scouser from breaking into your house?Put a sign up saying "Job Vacancies"
• A Scouser is driving through Liverpool with his dog in the passenger seat. A police panda car follows him for about half a mile and then puts its siren and stop sign on indicating to him to pull over. As the copper approaches the car he sees the Scouser is slapping the dog`s head. He tells the driver to wind down his window and asks "Why are you hitting the dog?" The Scouser replies, "The bloody thing just ate my tax disc"
• A Scouser inadvertently goes into a gay bar for a beer. He sits at the bar supping his pint when one gay gentleman decides to chance his luck. He approaches the scouser and whispers something into his ear, whereupon the Liverpudlian turns around in complete disgust and horror and proceeds to punch the living fuck out of the homosexual, fist after fist punching him out the door, kicking him across the pub car park, relentlessly punching and kicking until the victim lay comatose. The Scouser then dusted himself down and calmly returned to his pint at the bar, whilst the horrified staff and clientele stood silent and motionless.Eventually, the barman plucks up the courage to ask what had happened:Barman: "Bloody hell mate. What on earth did he whisper to you?"Scouser: "Dunno, something about a "job"."
• A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I"m looking for a job."The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We"ve just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You"ll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The salary package is £200,000 a year."The scouser said, "You"re bullshitting me!"The man behind the counter replied, "Well, you bloody started it."
• An Irishman, Aussie and a Scouser are in a bar and spot Jesus drinking on his own.They each send him a drink over and he sips each one slowly.When he"s finished he walks over to the Irishman and shakes his hand and thanks him for the Guiness. "Fuck me, my arthritis has gone!"Jesus then thanks the Aussie for the Fosters. "Fucking hell mate, my bad back"s cured!"Jesus approaches the Scouser who runs away screaming, "Fuck off, you cunt - I"m on disability benefit."
• My scouser cousin"s girlfriend had a baby today. They"re so proud of him. He"s the only one in the family who"s been inside for less than nine months.
• Police have cordoned off an area in Croxteth after sightings of an unidentified, never seen before, circular object.Turns out it"s a tax disc.
• Three men - a Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta - all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they"re all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they"ve run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance, etc.The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby. The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don"t you think he"s likely to be mine?""Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there"s a scouser, and I"m takin" no chances!"
• Liverpool FC have made two new signings - a Japanese lad and an Italian. Rafa Benitez says they should fit in well with Liverpool"s style.Their names?Nickamotor and Robatelli.
• A teacher starts a new job at a primary school on Merseyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she"s a big football fan and supports Liverpool. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans.Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn"t you raise your hand?""Because I"m not a Liverpool fan miss," she replies. The teacher, still shocked asks:"Well, if your not a Liverpool Fan, then who are you a fan of?""I"m a West Ham fan, and proud of it," Mary replies. The teacher can"t believe her ears. "Mary, how come you"re a Hammers fan?""Because my mum and dad are from London"s East End and are West Ham fans, so I"m a West Ham fan too!""Still," says the teacher, annoyed, "that"s no reason for you to be a West Ham fan as well. You don"t have to be like your parents all the time, do you? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief. Would you be like them then?""No," smiles Mary, "I"d be a Liverpool fan."
• Ferrari"s Formula 1 team manager decided to employ some Liverpudlian teenagers as their pit crew. This was because of their renowned skill at removing car wheels quickly. At the first practice session, not only did they change all 4 wheels in 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged & sold the fucker to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed & some pictures of David Coulthard"s bird getting shagged up the arse.
• What"s the difference between a cow and a tragedy?A scouser wouldn"t know how to milk a cow.
• I was round Liverpool the other day when some scousers started squaring up to us."Pretend we"re the police," my mate whispered to me.They kicked the shit out of me before I even got to the chorus!
• At Wayne Rooney and Coleen McLoughlin"s wedding last week, I"m told all guests were searched for mobile phones and cameras.Nothing to do with them selling the pictures to the magazines, just what Scousers do.
• After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn"t buy them a bigger bed and they weren"t strong enough to nick one.The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn"t want to have any more children.The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don"t see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.""Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, parts of Bradford, anywhere in Scotland and most blondes
• As a United fan who"s booked his Moscow trip I"ve had this cloud of worry about travelling to Russia what with all these stories of pickpockets, muggings at knife point, and general threats to my person ... thankfully, the Scousers are out now so I don"t have to worry about that anymore!!!
• 1000 scousers were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency, 99% said no they were happy with the giro!
• Is it just that I have the wrong idea or are nigerians the african answer to scousers?
• Is it just my imagination - but I can't help but think scousers are a bit like nigerians... without the glamour.
• The Monkees: America's answer to The Beatles. Fish and Chips: England's answer to cuisine. The nigerian: Africa's answer to the scouser.