Scouse jokes

• What do you give the scouser that has everything?A court order for robbery
• Two plane loads of Scouse volunteers left Merseyside today, bound for New Orleans. They will be assisting with the looting.
• Q: Have you heard about the Hillsborough Triathlon?A: The events are football, squash, and fencing.
• Whilst I agree with the 15 days in jail for the Teddy Bear teacher in Sudan, I thought that deportation to Liverpool was a bit fucking harsh....!
• Three scouse Muslims were arrested today. The three were named: Bin Robbin, Bin Muggin and Bin Drinking. Sadly there is still no sign of Bin Workin!
• Gillian Gibbons has said that her original 15 day prison sentence seemed harsh at the time, but to be released and deported to Liverpool was "Totally fucking undeserved!".
• I was round Liverpool the other day when some scousers started squaring up to us."Pretend we"re the police," my mate whispered to me.They kicked the shit out of me before I even got to the chorus!
• A black man starts work on a construction site. The other workers nickname him "Wog".Feeling upset by this, the black man goes to speak with the foreman. The foreman laughs and tells him "but we all have nicknames. We"ve got Mick and Paddy, they"re Irish. Wac from Liverpool. And Mac from Scotland".The black man was still not happy, so the foreman shouted at his men "Mick, Mack, Paddy, Wac leave the Wog alone!"
• Two men are playing football in a public park when suddenly a crazed rottweiler dives out of a bush and launches itself at one of the men and begins to viciously savage him.Reacting quickly the other man pulls a plank of wood out of an old fence and forces it into the dog"s coller and twists it, breaking the dog"s neck and killing it instantly.Paramedics arrive and take his friend away for medical attention, and a man approaches the hero with a notepad and pen, he says "I am reporter and I would like to write an article about your heroic deed!", the hero agrees and the reporter writes a title for his article-"Manchester United fan saves friend from vicious attack!"The man reads this and says "I"m not a Manchester United fan"The reporter apologises and writes "England fan saves friend from crazed animal!"The man reads this and says "I"m not a England fan" The reporter apologises again and asks what football team he supports.The man replies "Liverpool"The reporter nods and quickly writes "SCOUSE BASTARD MURDERS FAMILY PET!"
• Scouse mum and daughter are washing the dishes"Mum, why are your hands so soft and smooth.. is it because you use fairly liquid?""No it"s because i"m 14"
• Three men - a Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta - all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they"re all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they"ve run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance, etc.The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby. The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don"t you think he"s likely to be mine?""Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there"s a scouser, and I"m takin" no chances!"
• So I was in Liverpool, having a shite in the public toilets. When a scouse voice in the next cubicle says;"Hey mate, there"s no loo roll in "ere. Pass us some through, will ya."So I unravelled a few sheets and passed them under the partition.The cheeky bastard stood on my hand and nicked my watch!
• This guy and this girl finish coming from a blind date when before he can say good night she asks him if he wants to have a drink. He says, "Yes," so they go in the house and they go in her room and she says, "Now close your eyes I have a surprise for you." She later says, "You can open your eyes now," he opens them and she has whipped cream all over her pussy. He goes and start eating the whipped cream until he found himself with a dick in his mouth. The girl starts crying and says, "I shouldn"t of lied to you, I"m a man my name is bob and I"m a plumber from Liverpool." The guy with a sickened look says, "You, you never said you were from Liverpool."
• What"s the difference between scouse kids and Austrian kids?At least the Austrian kids know who their dad is.