Scottish jokes

• The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.
• You see a black man and a white man drowning. You only have time to rescue one, which one do you pick?The black guy, the white man could be Scottish
• Some Scottish people shouted some abuse at me this morning so I did what John Prescott did:I went home and ate loads of pies.
• Why do the Aberdonians wear kilts?Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
• This scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to canada. After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.After about 5 or 6 whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal antlers on the wall with.He asks the barman "What the fuck is that?"The barman says "It"s a Moose"The scottish chap says "Fuck me! How big are the cats!?
• Scottish insults:She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorilla"s backLook"s like she"s been dooking for apples in a chip panHad more hands up her than sooty!She"s got a face like a dog lickin piss off a nettleIt looks like she"s been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe!She"s got a face that could make an onion cry.I wouldn"t ride her into battle.Everyone has a right to be ugly, but she abuses the privilegeI wouldn"t do her with a rusty poleMair chins than a Chinese phone bookShe smells like an alkies carpetShe has seen more japseyes than an oriental opticianIt"s like shaggin a pail of water.It"s like shaggin the sleeve off a wizards cloak!she"s killed more cocks than a fowl butcherFanny like a ripped out fireplaceFace like a sand blasted tomatoArse like a bag of washingShe sweats like a dog in a Chinese restaurantShe"s seen more helmets than HitlerFace like a stuntman"s kneeShe"s got a fanny like a badly packed kebabLike opening the window and shagging the nightShe"s seen more cockends than weekendsA left her with a face like a painter"s radioFanny like a clown"s pocketFanny like a Hippo"s yawnShe"s that ugly not even a sniper would take her outI bet she"s got a fanny like a pub carpetMore pricks than a second hand dartboard.Face like a blind joiners thumbShe"s done more lengths than Duncan GoodhewShe"s been shot over more times than SarajevoEven the tide wouldn"t take her outGot more finger prints on her than Scotland YardHandled more balls than Dino ZoffPish flaps like John Wayne"s saddle bagsShe had a pair of flaps on her like a gutted troutA cunt like a burst couchA face like she"s been ram raiding on scootersShe"s had more seamen than SaltcoatsShe"s seen more stiffs than Quincy !She"s seen more cokes than a bottle of Bacardi!Cocked more times than Elmer Fudd"s shotgun
• Angus, a Scottish farmer, was walking through his field and saw a man drinking from the stream. He shouts over, in Gaelic, "Hey, don"t drink the water, friend, the sheep have got the runs!"The man turns round and says, "What did you say? I"m English, I don"t speak your stupid language!""Ach well!" shouts back the farmer. "I said "Use both hands, you"ll be able to drink more of my wonderfully fresh stream!.....Gle mhath, a shassanach."
• After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, English scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago. Not to be outdone by the English, in the weeks that followed, Scottish scientists dug to a depth of 2000 meters and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read; Scottish archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year old fibre-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the English. One week later, Irish newspapers reported the following: After digging as deep as 5000 meters in a County Mayo bog, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They, therefore, have concluded that 5000 years ago, Ireland"s inhabitants were already using wireless technology.
• After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn"t buy them a bigger bed and they weren"t strong enough to nick one.The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn"t want to have any more children.The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don"t see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.""Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, parts of Bradford, anywhere in Scotland and most blondes
• What"s the difference between the Scottish and Madeleine McCann?The Scottish are still tight.
• Two Englishmen- businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break in their soon-to be new store. As yet, the store wasn"t ready, with only a few shelves set up.One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we"re selling."No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curiousScotsman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Scottish accent asked"What are you selling" hereOne of the men replied sarcastically,"We"re selling arseholes."Without skipping a beat, the Scotsman said,"You are doing well ... Only two left!"
• Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we"re going to have a general knowledge quiz.The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."Wee Jock (a typical Scottish wag) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah"m pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff an" that. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come ahead ya radge, a lang weekend fir me."Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said "Don"t ask what Your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?"Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air.Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front.Teacher: "Yes, Jeremy"Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy his inauguration speech in 1960."Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jock is even more determined.Teacher: "Who said. "We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?""Wee Jock"s hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know, Me Miss, me Miss!"Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."Timothy (in a very, very posh, English accent):"The answer is Winston Churchill, his 1941 Battle of Britain speech."Teacher: "Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jock is hyper, he"s been studying encyclopaedias all week and he"s ready for anything that comes.He"s coiled in his wee plastic chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.Teacher: "Who said "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind"?"Wee Jock"s arm shoots straight in the air, he"s standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Miss, me miss, meeeeee!"Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front: "Yes Rupert."Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plumy English accent): "Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1969, the first moon landing."Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday"Wee Jock loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming: "Fur fucks sake, where did all these English bastards come from?"Teacher, looking round the class: "Who said that?"Wee Jock grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Sir William Wallace, Battle of Falkirk, July 1298, See yous on fook"in Tuesday!!"