Scotsman jokes

• How was the Grand Canyon formed?A Scotsman lost a tenner down a rabbit hole
• An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a pub and each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head.The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.The Irishman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.The Scotsman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
• A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman find a wizard on the top of a tall cliff. The wizard orders them to jump off the cliff, but he also promises that if they say anything while falling, they will get it at the bottom of the cliff. So first, the Englishman jumps off the cliff and shouts, "Pillows!" and so he lands on some pillows. Then the Scotsman jumps off the cliff, and he shouts, "Hay!" and so he lands on some hay. Finally the Irishman runs to jump off the cliff, but he trips on a rock just before the jump and says, "Aw, shite!"
• I went into a pub the other day. There was an Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, two Asians, an African man, and two homosexuals.... didn"t stay long.
• An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are drowning their sorrows down the pub."I can"t believe it." says the Englishman. "Me and the wife- we"ve been together 15 years and today I found out she"s been having an affair with a builder.""How do you know it was a builder?" the others ask."I found a box of tools under the bed.""Join the club." says the Scotsman. "Today, I found out my wife"s been having an affair with a milkman.""How do you know it was a milkman?" the others ask."I found a crate of milk under the bed.""You as well?" asks the Irishman. "I"ve just found out the wife was having an affair with a fokkin horse!"The other two look at him incredulously. "How do you know it was a horse?""I found a jockey hiding under the bed."
• A bloke walks into a pub with an octopus and says, "This is a very talented octopus. I"ll give £500 to anyone who has an instrument the octopus can"t play." A guy walks up with a guitar. The octopus takes the guitar and plays it like Jimmy Hendrix. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet like Dizzy Gillespie. A third guy walks up with a set of bag pipes. The octopus fumbles with it, and then sets it down, looking confused.The guy says "Ha! you can"t play it."The octopus says, "play it? As soon as I get its pyjamas off, I"m gonna shag it."
• An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional. "Y"ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back hame. Why, in Glasgow there"s a wee bar called McTavish"s. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you.""Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two.""Ahhh, that"s nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there"s O"Driscoll"s Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they"ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you"ve had enough drinks, they"ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.""Wow," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?""Not me, myself, personally, no," said the Irishman "but it happened to me sister!"
• Jokes that only work in Scotland A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair."Comfy?" asks the dentist. "Govan," she replies. What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? OorWullie. A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of antlers?" "Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter. "That"s affa deer," says the guy. Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He"s awa" noo. After announcing he"s getting married, a boy tells his pal he"ll be wearing the kilt. "And what"s the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she"ll be wearing a white dress," he replies. What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu. How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan. A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing. "No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan ." What"s the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud." And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe." What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly bastard. What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident?The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik. While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:"Whatwould you do if you had a rowdy passenger?" "I"d put him off at the next stop," he says. "Good. And what would you do if you couldn"t get the fare?" "I"d take the first two weeks in August," he replies. Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - "Aye right." A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking along Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. "What"s up, Jimmy?" he asks. "Piston broke," he replies. "Aye, same as masel..."
• An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are all sentenced for ten years each for their part in a robbery.However, they are allowed to take a lot of one thing only in with them."I think I"ll take books." says the Englishman."I think I"ll take me" some booze." says the Scotman."I"ll take me" some cigarettes." says Paddy, the Irishman.Ten years later they are released from prison.The Englishman comes out a genius, from reading all of his books for ten years.The Scotsman comes out an alcoholic, with liver failure, from drinking all his booze.Paddy comes out and asks desperately, "Anyone got a light!??"
• An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were discussing various pubs in their respective countries."Y"know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there"s a wonderful little bar called McTavish"s. The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals, so much that when you buy 4 drinks he"ll buy the 5th drink for you.""Well", said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2.""Ahhhhh, that"s nothing laddies", said the Irishman."Back home in me own Dublin , there"s Ryan"s Bar. - Now, the moment you set foot in the place they"ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you"ve had enough drinks they"ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house".The Englishman and Scotsman immediately rubbish the Irishman"s claims. But he swears every word is true."Well," said the Englishman "did this actually happen to you?""Not to me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman.. But it did happen to me sister."